Neo-Colonialism

Summer Rain

...(sigh)...
so. Yesterday I found out some things that I didn't know about a previous vague 'significant other'... and all I could do was smile and shake my head. and laugh.
... Had a GOOD night's sleep. My allergies are getting BETTER!! I'm starting to see some white in my eyes!! (yaay!! ...insert *clap clap* here... it's been a month of redness and shame)

anyway... woke up to the sound of my ventilator and the sound of the rain... pulled my curtains to let the sunlight in... and smiled ... and had the urge to listen to Carl Thomas' Summer Rain.
lol

Storming outside, rain
She keeps me home
Quiet conversation makes me warm
So

Summer rain
Whispers me to sleep
And wakes me up again
Sometimes I swear I hear her call my name
To wash away the pain
My summer rain

...
lol... strange fruit of life it is.

Ballad of the Black Gold

.... This is why I love HIP HOP. This is why Talib is Kweli. This is why I can listen to Hi-Tek instrumentals all day. This is why Reflection Eternal is one of my favourite Hip Hop duos. This is why I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to see Kweli live front center at a free concert! This is also why I sigh heavily when I think about the legacy this world has left for future generations to deal with. This is why I get depressed. This is why I (We) need Prayer. Or At least ...Hope.

Why Do I not own this album yet??
Oh yeah...
finances. smh
(sigh)

15 minutes away

K'naan's 15 minutes have never felt so true.

" I am sending this one out to everyone who has had to wait on a money transfer
Yeah, it's kinda whack when they charge you like ten percent on the dollar, but you know how go it feels when they say...

You can pick it up today
It's 15 minutes away

The worst thing is the waiting, man
It's spiritually draining
I guess I could repaint
But don't think I'm complaining

I'm in my small apartment (in my case small room)
This month has been the hardest
I couldn't afford some omelettes (went grocery shopping w/ a budget of 20$ today)
I'm broken like an empty promise

I talked to my mom the other day. told her how broke I was. and I woke up out of my nap with my dad asking me to write down 11 digits. I can't wait to pick it up!! lol..
and YES tomorrow I will blast k'naan on my way to western union and or possibly sing out-loud: YOU CAN PICK IT UP TODAY! IT'S 15 MINUTES AWAY!! :)

... Generosity is the key. It's important to give to those who need it. It's funny,... I know I'm broke, I've accepted that, it's how things are (at least for now lol)... and that most people around me are working to stay broke again. But I think it's usually in this state of brokeness that we need to give of ourselves and the remainder of what we have whether it be time or dollars to those in need. I think that's when it matters the most. And I know from the depths of my heart that God sees it. And I believe will reward me outside of this lifetime... or maybe in this lifetime... who knows lol.
en tout cas.
bref.

- Went to the hospital today for my allergies, and they actually feel better, I have a referral to a specialist. But the run-around I had to do I found ridiculous. The only thing I could think of is that the logistics of the healthcare system can be kind of messed up. People are so caught up in the logistics and formalities of the process of providing help to the people who need it, that if someone was dying, they would die in the middle of the formalities. ........ it's ridiculous. I'm sure people have died from it. In fact I got home and on the news they explained a case of a man who died because he had to wait 40 minutes before being cared for in the emergency unit. I also saw alot of old people that were in their beds dying. A reminder to me to take care of my body today, my 40-plus-year-old body (if I'm blessed to see that long) will thank me for it.



Peace & Love

HEAT

" my life my life my life my life my life... in the sunshine... everybody loves the sunshiiiinnne".

DJ Jazzy Jeff x Mick Boogie – Summertime The Mixtape by Hypetrak

....
So it's been SUPER HOT Lately! Summer has made its presence felt. I mean... for real! The HUMIDITY has arrived!!! (40 degrees Celsius in Toronto yesterday). it's a good and bad thing. Good because Heat, sunshine is good. Bad because of allergies, that comes with smog, dust, pollen and such. Overall-wise, I've been better, but as I would say in Creole. "Mwen pa pi mal" - " I am not worse"... which is good. Which means I'm good, not worse.



I was still rolling around my cloud of depression all week. Using walking around the city with 5 dollars in my pocket and trying to clear my head (maybe find inspiration), maximize my bus pass usage (considering how much I paid for it) to relieve my frustration and stress and anxiety. ... basically, I've been trying NOT to think about everything. But the other day I woke up to this quote:

"Throughout history it has been the inaction of those who could've acted and the indifference of those who should've known better: The silence of the voice of justice when it mattered the most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph" - Haile Selassie

And then I guess I woke up out of my depression ... (well at least somewhat)... I think Church helped a little bit. The subsequent events that followed my gloomy state of mind consisted of hearing other people's stories, and paying attention to them. Walking around a lot with a hungry stomach. Vent. lol... complain to anyone who seemed to hint to care about what's on my mind.
...
Today I decided to give. I won't go into specific details. But To explore this topic of giving in general, whether it would be volunteering or listening. But giving to those who need it. give time. Spend time letting people know you appreciate them. I think if it's anything positive I can take from having little to no hours at work is to use the spare time that I have and just straight up.... Give. Give myself time to digest where I've been placed, and the circumstances (financial, emotional and otherwise) that God has placed me. Give it to those who need it, by listening, and talking about life. complain together... and hopefully DO something about current circumstances.
....
Which is why......
(drumroll please)

I'm attending "Getting Started: What Can I Do With My Degree? workshop" on campus tomorrow. LOL. hopefully I'll get something out of it. (maybe some more ambition... sprinkled with a little bit of hope, so I can formulate a plan to talk to God about lol)

umm..
On another random note... I find it interesting the random places I get ideas from. I think it's cool. like I got the oddest line when I was at church the other day... and it had NOTHING to do with the sermon... AT ALL!.


on another other random note... I watched The Soloist a few minutes ago. And I think the story-line is beautiful. Re-iterating the importance of giving, and being there for other people, as well as being there for yourself.

....


....

in conclusion:
Wise words from my mother after I told her about what happened on the subway (ps. something along the lines of me being sexually harassed), and me needing to go to the hospital for my allergies:

Take Care of Yourself.

lol.
Strange Fruit

Clouded

Hey World,
Today was a rough one to say the least. I woke up dazed, confused, and most of all lost. I paid my cell phone, credit card bill and rent today, then looked at my balance on my bank account... sighed heavily, and had the urge to play some "Lost?" by Coldplay, and I realized it got deleted when I was forced to replace my iphone (on my 4th one now since december, ... I swear I have the worse of luck with these things).

So I just sat there, trying to figure everything out. Oh not to mention I found out the other day that I'm only working 1 shift for the whole week next week. :( ... AAANND I haven't gone grocery shopping pretty much since I finished school in April. And I'm squeezing the life out of what I have left. cooking sparingly lol.. and trying to preoccupy myself... away from the thought of what's in my kitchen cupboard.

I wanted to write this earlier, at the moment it was happening... but it was really nice out, and I just felt stuck and annoyed at the fact that I was inside the house when it was so nice out. So I've been outside, walking around campus, then later I went on a walk with a friend to check out the Toronto Jazz Festival, then walk around town.


When I walked around. I felt the urge to jot something down about my state of mind and here's what I wrote:

Clouded, Can't see clearly
Do you remember the time...? (I thought about Michael Jackson for a split second writing that line)
I can't remember the last time I felt Sure about life
Maybe it was when I was a kid
Today I feel blue... dark blue not cuz of my melanin... but because of my cloudiness.
I dunno... I could've sworn 2 seconds ago I knew where I was going. Or maybe I managed to convince myself that I was ok.
Too many issues, too much noise, It's too loud.
I can't hear me. Or maybe I do and only focusing on life's noise and not my own. They say it's all about perception... to find happiness, and I mean TRUE happiness and joy is about perception. But How do you alter perception. Because I'm trying to alter mine.
... A moment ago I stopped and thought that if what I really care about are small things, then I need to find them. I need I need to make it a purpose to look and find them.
Today I feel blue or maybe it's not the colour that I'm looking for. Because I just looked up and I stand in awe of the clarity of this blue sky. It's sunny, the sun is in my face, but I'm not beaming like its shinning counterpart.
....
I'm frustrated at my inaction. I'm trying to find perspective. I'm trying to hear me. To find me. My voice is stifled, it's chocked up in ambiguous feelings it's quiet and its fighting within my core to just ... BE. But my body and my inaction renders it handicap.
Clouded... I can't see clearly. (02/07/2010)

Closer - Corinne Bailey Rae

I was blessed enough to see her live in concert performed her entire album: The Sea, as well as some old gems from her self-titled first album, and other leaked tracks prior to that (like 'Que Sera Sera'). Anyway I love her. I love the video.
:)