Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Marianne Williamson - Reblogged from MopTopMaven
random thought that just crossed my mind.... not sure what it means exactly. lol... I get random word sequences like these, and most of the time I'm not sure what to do with them. So I scribble them down. ... when I understand what it means, I'll let you know. lol... until then, thanks for taking it in.
Regret. A lot has gone down for the past month and a half. To sum it up, it was simply a series of me doing a lot of working hard, and then reaping the fruits of my labour. All of which were both sweet and salty. It can get exhausting sometimes (emotionally and physically) to work really hard to build up exactly what you have in your head, and then have the results of all that work be a straight up failure. When things like that happen, I feel like its a simple quiet reminder that no matter how much we try, there are certain things we are not and cannot be in control of.
Regrets... I have some. But I try not to have them. I've been going back and replaying the many things I could've done differently to make my work better... then right after thinking that, I realize how futile it is to stress about it, what is done is done. Move on. ... well at least do more than try to move on.
I've also been thinking about identities. I think identities, or moreso, people's identities are fluid. No one stays the same. I think for as long as time exists people will always change and that's cool... lol... People should accept it. To contain someone with your definition of them is denying them the gift of time. I'm not saying to be ready to accept a full 360 from someone out of nowhere... but damn. ... it can also be suffocating to feel forced to act how people expect you to, when it's not you any more. I've been on both sides of the story the person unwilling to accept change, and the one who's changed.
To recognize the gift of time, is to recognize blessings. So I try. ...I try to live, work, create... then repeat.
The United Black Students Conference at Ryerson was probably one of the most inspiring weekends I've experienced all year. I've been trying to sketch out this blog in a way that will give justice to the vibe of the conference, and it's been taking hours. I realized that you had to be there to fully understand the magic that went down. The ideas, and discussions that were shared was cool.
Someone at the conference said that the conference reminded him that he's actually sane. And I would have to agree, especially because sometimes when you think of possibilities of change, to end legacies of struggle, is deeply complicated, but somehow, when I find myself attached to the reality of that possibility, yet I also experience the reality of it all, I feel like I'm going crazy.
I dunno, it kinda sucks, because all the things that were going through my head at the time, but its been a month since the event and I can't recall the details of my excitement. :( ... I do however recall feeling accomplished. Blessed. Humbled by the whole thing. I don't know, it was odd to actually SEE the fruits of this long months of planning. It was odd to be so involved. Maybe odd isn't the right word...
Maybe Accomplished? ...Blessed? ...I remember feeling soooooooooo thankful to have been surrounded with sooo many beautiful people. Some like minded, some not too too like-minded... but somehow under the common understanding that we are a people. A people fighting for community. I remember feeling thankful that God had placed me there. I even got a call from my parents asking me how it went. I could feel my dad grinning from ear to ear because of how proud he was, and to be honest, I can't remember the last time he ever vocalized how proud he was of me. ...it's been a LONG WHILE. ...so yes. I was in awe.
I was also sooo soo sooo proud of my team. my friends for making it happen... :) ... the sleepless nights, the effects on our grades (well at least mine lol), the jokes, the serious discussions, the ridiculously (sometimes unecessary LONG meetings), more meetings... everything. I'm thankful for every moment I got to spend with each one of them.
Joy is what I felt... at least I think it was, what else could it be? I differentiate joy from happiness in that Joy lasts longer and affects the soul and happiness is fleeting. It was a weird sense of peace of mind, peace of calmness... and just straight up. PEACE. ...Blessed!!!
I realized last night that I STRONGLY STRONGLY Dislike Group projects. I've had a rough week. why? you ask... I've had to start and complete 5 essays within the span of 3 days. I had a group project that I basically did by myself because everyone else was really 'too busy' to submit their part. .......... UUUGGGHHHHH!! SMH
Too Busy?!?!... I'm BUSY too!!! :-/ ... (sigh) ... I didn't even procrastinate for any of these assignments! :( They were all given within a short time span. I swear alot my profs this semester seem to think that their class is my only priority :(
School + Dying = Studying ... so right now, no words, just pics, and sounds... no content. ...lol
BLACK STUDENT CONFERENCE is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG....... I'm excited... Nervous... and Stressed.. equally mixed into one beautiful ball of goodness.. uuuuggghhh... say it ain't so!!
In the words of Barney Stinson it's going to be.... ....wait for it... wait for it.... LEGENDARY
oh yeah... and today I'm selling my iphone... and will officially be a BB user. I would feel bad except that I've been through hell and back with my iphone. Though I had some good times... (well ish lol..) NO REGRETS. I just hope I figure out this bbm/ blackberry business fast.. lol.. I'm not one to be quick to adapt to these technological changes.
I am aware of the Manchild. A boy trapped inside the body of a man. ...and I am also aware of the Womanchild... and I will admit, sometimes I feel like one. I would echo the lyric: "I'm not a girl not yet a woman" ..but I just cringed, by typing these words (oh britney lol ..smh), but it's part of my reality so *shrug*.... it's called growth.. and I'm dealing with it.
I just ran into this video from Amanada Diva... and it's pure love :) ... I haven't heard anything from her since the track ManWomanBoogie on Q-tip's last album. She's coming out with new EP soon, I'm pretty excited. Something about this track reminded me of Lauryn Hill... :)(not comparing her to her, but just saying I miss L-boogie)
I just ran into Adele's new single! Her debut album 19 is still playing on my ipod, and so YES, I'm excited for 21!... set to be released early 2011.
... I need to learn how to manage my time, and my stress properly. When words fail... music speaks. and for that I'm thankful... this is a week that only music, time and God's favour can fix.
"I'm trying to phonetically sound out these thoughts but I can't decipher words... these words that will effectively cohere together to project enough imagery to convey a vision and enough sound to project direction" - Me (Nov.27th.2009 @ 1:20 am)
... it's been almost a year since I last wrote this in my sketchbook. Funny how nothing's changed.
So right now my schedule is pure Chaos. Funny how this time last year I was praying for something to have on my schedule other than school, and now that I have it, it's not as sweet as gravy as I thought.
On February 7th, 2010 at 4:05pm I scribbled the following:
I think I'm afraid to shine. I'm tall. 5'9, with the heels I like to wear sometimes, I'm easily at least 5'11 amost 6'0 feet tall. Growing up, my height was my insecurity, so I never walked tall. Always leaning in to take pictures to adjust to other people's heights... lol I think it's almost like it was a metaphor for how I came to be. Trying to please people... But I always LOVED heels. I remember some instances where everything in me wanted to wear heels but I didn't want to be the giant... the awkward giant. The other thing that didn't help with my self-esteem was my severe acne problem. But years have passed since then. Most of these insecurities have passed. But every once in a while, it creeps back, and I slump... and don't walk tall. I like to be comfortable with any and everything I wear (including heels). "Modeling" for the few times I've been granted the opportunity to, taught me that even if you don't have the confidence, then just fake it... and eventually it'll grow on you. Maybe they're right. I wish I didn't have to think about walking tall... and just DID... just did without thinking. I feel most myself when I'm being silly, crack jokes, make fun of myself, dress down or up in the company of loved ones. ...and by loved ones I mean people with whom, int he comfort of time I managed to get less tense around and I eventually felt enough comfort to just BE.
I feel a lot more at peace with myself these days... I AM. I guess when I think about it, that means I'm growing :) .... so I'm blessed. and find comfort in knowing that I am highly favored.
So I've decided to be a movement. I may not have the words to formulate where I'm going. ... my vision my be blurry, but it's there. I'm aiming to be an influencer."brands are established by doing great things... by being consistent". If I am my own brand.. then I'm going to keep being consistent... whatever I'm going to do, I'm going to do it carefully, and with love. The gift of life, is the gift of choice... the ability to be in charge of creating myself and my brand. ...and I think so far...what God has allowed me to create is beautiful.
With that being said... 100th post .. blog makeover ... inspiration for you... inspiration for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that what I'm doing right now is the right thing, when I'm comfortable in it. ...No matter how much I can't answer the question of my direction, when I express myself in a variety of different things, whether it's in what I wear, or what I listen to, what I say, the projects I'm involved in.
"The tipping point is the biography of an idea... and the idea is very simple.. ideas and products, messages and behaviors spread just like viruses do.... "
100 posts + an array of ideas, feelings and concerns + and life ... has lead to this tipping point.
It's been a year since I started this blog. ... almost reaching my 100th post. I wanted something cool to celebrate this fact but as it turns out I'm waaaay too busy for that lol.
I'm lost. I just realized that there's 25 days school days left until Christmas break... and I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do next year. I'm torn between wanting to pursue grad school, and wanting to work for a year. I just realized that I missed the deadline to a student gov. job that I was supposed to apply to. and now the next time the program will be it'll be for jobs that start in August or late july.
I'm afraid to make the wrong decision, because I'm realizing that after I'll be done my undergrad... whatever I choose to do next could and will change everything. I have a mountain-load of debt hanging on my back, and I have my family and friends looking at me with eyes full of love asking me what's next.
What's next? right now is a VERY daunting question.
I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure. I'm torn between what I think I want to do, and what my family wants me to do, and what my gut is telling me to do. All of which are different and similar in many ways.
So right now I'm searching for something. I want to be inspired. I want to find answers... and so I am. I won't stop until I find these answers. ... that simple.
