I will be loud & unapologetic about my purpose (x3)

I've been silent for a while. I've been on a writing hiatus in a while. Life is teaching me things. I've been learning a lot about people around me. I've been learning about myself a lot.. my imperfections ... most importantly I've been learning about my voice.

not just hearing it, but listening to it.

I have a sticky-note on the wall behind my laptop that says:

"I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose (...even if I don't quite know what it is yet)"

I wrote that March 18th, 2012.

If it's anything at all, I've been struggling with sharing myself with not only social media but people in general. I have a bad habit of always wanting to accommodate and please people around me sometimes even if it means I won't be happy. ... That may not necessarily seem like a bad habit, but it makes it the perfect pre-amble to being emotionally unhealthy. In caring so much about other people's happiness, a lot of emotion is invested... and when the logic of being that way is not reciprocated by the other person, there's a high level of sadness, exhaustion & frustration that happens on the other end. I'm realizing that more and more.. and I'm realizing that I need to be loud within myself and assert myself forward in my wants and needs out of life. Insodoing, maybe I'll be able to be more assertive out loud when I speak to others about myself and what I do.

There's something about speaking about myself in a "for sure" way that's always bothered me. Hence why I've always tended to be very vague about myself on this blogosphere. Nothing is certain... nothing is "for sure". ... so my logic has always been, I am not God. I cannot guarantee that in these wants I want and crave out of life will bring me happiness. Nor can I even sometimes even define what it is that I do. ... but I've realized the weight of words in the framing an idea or thought, will always propel a direction. ... and there's nothing wrong with an evolving definition. It's ok to embrace change.

It's ok to embrace pain... It's ok if the pain is gut-wrenching.. confusing.. It's ok to feel it all. Feel. Inhale it all ... and exist within this hurt. Exhale all that you are, and that you stand by... and just be.

To assert myself in my purpose in words and definitions (however frail my certainty of that definition may be). To know and trust and say out loud that you're good at something doesn't mean you're cocky.. lol. It can also mean you're aware of your voice. your listening to your gift and speaking of your blessing outloud in sharing that: THIS. is what you do.

and that's actually ok. ... (..lol..)

I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose
& be unapologetic about my light. ... I will shine God's light in loving .. simply & honestly.

(ps. hair above is a loose bantu-knot out. on stretched hair... Wooot! the longest my hair's ever been! #boombap)

Note-To-Self: Write Everyday... Write something. Every Day.

I will Write every day.

I will Write every Day.

I will Write Every day.

I will write something.

I will write SOMETHING

Everyday

Every DAY

.....

I'm clearly struggling with this. (lol)... Hence why I keep talking about this. ... But just ran into this on tumblr, and I'm going to try my hardest to make it a priority until I leave this country. To anyone struggling w/ something similar out there. This post is dedicated to you :)

1. Commit to writing for at least two hours every day. (Why? Because 1½ to 2 hours is the maximum that most of us can endure mentally and physically before needing a break.) So write for at least 90 minutes without getting up from your chair. Seriously. No breaks, no distractions, no getting everything else done first. And especially no e-mail and Facebook.

2. Write every day for two weeks. For most of us, that is enough to make it a habit. And I promise that if you do this, you’ll find out how much more productive you become as a writer. Try it.

3. What to do when you have holidays to observe and celebrate? Or when you are too ill to write? Or when you can’t possibly find even 90 minutes in your day to write? That is when you must write even 15 minutes each day. No matter how tired or busy or even sick you are, write 15 minutes each day. Here’s why this works:

-  The hardest part of writing is getting started. We amateurs procrastinate minutes, hours, and days. (The pros – some of the best and most prolific writers – report procrastinating weeks and even years.) We’re afraid we won’t have anything to write. We’re afraid that what we write will be terrible. We’re afraid we’re not up to the real pain that good writing requires. For some of us, it’s only when the pain of what we would lose by not writing – fellowships, degree completion, book contracts, jobs – feels more real than the pain of actually writing that we even begin to write.

- If you make yourself write 15 minutes a day, you have overcome the biggest hurdle – getting started. I’ve never known anyone with the goal of writing 15 minutes a day actually limit writing to just  that 15 minutes. Once you start, I promise you won’t watch the clock. You’ll write for 30, 60, even 90 minutes before you realize it. (The trick is that you tell yourself you only have to write for 15 minutes and that you can endure anything for that long. Once you start to write, the anxiety will begin to disappear and you’ll write longer.)

- Writing everyday contributes to continuity of your thinking and generating the ideas you need to write. Your mind will function differently when you write every day. We all think about our writing every day. But the cognitive processes involved in writing are different from those involved in thinking. Your project moves forward when you write… even if you write a gosh-awful first draft.

StrgFrt