Tuesday, November 22, 2011

In an open letter to God I wrote...

November 17th ... at 12:32am ... Overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings of how I got here. Overwhelmed by ... a lot of good things... fighting within myself my own insecurities in my navigation in this life... 22 years strong ...lol. I wrote these words.

 in the rawness of everything that was going through me... in Tears, Snot and ALL... (lol).......  I've never done this before. ... (I was debating whether or not I should post this up, or even share the context behind the creation of this post, but after discussing it with a friend, I decided to let go of these... or rather this anxiety or fear of releasing this prayer or raw thought into my blog.) ... I decided not to go over it and edit some of what I wrote. ... In sharing this open letter, I pray that someone gets something out of it.. if anything. ...lol. In sharing this I hope to somehow make a difference to someone who needed to see this. ............. I believe in the beauty that lies in sharing this raw... un-edited. ... typography of feelings ... thoughts.. emotion on this. .. if anything. I don't believe that I'm alone in this. ...I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.


Dear God,

Thank you. ........ thank you for what happened in Geneva. I promise I will be better. I'm sorry ...with all this blessing, I do feel like like I've let you down. I haven't knelt down to thank you enough. I haven't put time for you as much as I should've ... and God I'm aware ... I'm sooo aware of everything you've done for me. 
I'm still wrapping my mind around what happened in Geneva. I'm still trying to make sense of it God.. and I know that you are all knowing ... and I trust that you already know that. but ... God help me find clarity in my purpose. I haven't felt so strong about my existence ever before until now... I am aware that you are working wonders within me... wonders whose depth I'm only now beginning to be cognizant of. 

Please don't be mad with me... I want to be bigger than me. 

(((..I gotta find peace of mind..)))
 I gotta find peace of mind lauryn hill by beeezee
(((I know it's possible...))) ..... guide me to where you want me to be. 

God I also know that I don't talk to you as much as I should, and I don't talk to my parents as much as I should... even if they are the most important things to me... I do have the tendency to try to handle and fix things by myself... like I have for a long time... but God today i'm praying that you allow me to be open... to let a little bit more people into my thoughts into me... allow me to realize and trust that other people can help me.

... I've been let down and disappointed with so many people...  

thank you for loving me despite myself. ... sometimes I fight myself.. thank you for caring... thank you for loving... thank you for incubating my space with love. With ... sooo much love. sooo many people who care about me. ...about my personal growth 
I want to understand my story and I want to tell it tactfully and honestly. .... I want to grow and teach within this discovery. .... Dear God allow me to let go of some of my anxiety ... some of my worries about what I say and what I do in exercising what is me. 
... Allow me to find my truth. 

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