Monday, November 28, 2011

We must not forget about our mothers






We must not forget that our mothers were once young women
That they had lovers before our father
That they too once longed to belong
longed to feel at peace when alone 
at home ..(s).
and with other(s)
...
We must not forget
That they too were lost like we are now...

(...at some point)




This thought came to me yesterday after spending my Sunday evening with my friend's family. In the company of good conversation marinated in Trinidadian and St-Lucian accents. ...Yesterday I felt homesick. Reminded me that I might possibly spend my first Christmas without the fam this year.




We cannot forget that our parents were and maybe still live a life of uncertainty. ... In this quest of finding answers and clarity to my path..(lol) ... I also spent my yesterday taking a personality test. This test showed that I was a "INFJ type" ... (there's this link too) ... then I proceeded to google which careers would fit me. Only to find out that with my "personality type" I cannot be boxed into a certain career path...  ...(still trying to figure out what this means).


(currently vibing out to Eric Lau's instrumentals while I'm looking for jobs... I've noticed his name on a couple of blogs, but have yet to really listen to anything yet until tonight.. so far :) .. so good)



Thursday, November 24, 2011

Being Grounded


Life is interesting... 
I'm moving/looking for a job/looking for specific purpose/looking for myself/ looking for a right path/ looking to be less hard on myself/ looking to not be on my laptop and copped up inside/ looking to exercise more/ looking to pray more/ looking to cook more/ looking for more money. lol.. / looking to laugh more..
....

".. Ultimately I intend to be more present and aware through them (spiritual practices), ... to be more compassionate and see the world through a more compassionate lense as opposed to my own pride, my own fear " - SK
...

"...Being oriented in such a disorienting and distracted world.." - SK

Today hearing his story makes me feel sane. 


thankful

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Manmie...


Hi mom,

I want to tell you that that I really meant to call you yesterday… and the day before that. But I got caught up and I’m sorry. I know that you will not always be around… but please know that I care. It is a joy to be called your daughter … it is an honour to have been birthed through you. It is an honour to have been nurtured by your ways and fed by your hands and taught your ways.
Please know that I am grateful. (1:02 am – 18/11/11)
Sometimes I get busy. Sometimes I get too busy to call you and check up and see how you’re doing … not only as a mother of 5 beautiful children… but also as wife … as a person as human being. Sometimes I get too busy making sure the outcome of my hustle make your heart smile … and I forget that it is in the subtleties and small acts that fuel fire to your fight to be here.
Immigrant petite Haitian woman.. Strong, random quiet /loud when needed but warm when my spirit needs it the most. You left your home to be here in the cold for a better future for your children. Know that I remember your ways, habits annoying or not. lol.. know that I miss them all. know that I memorize the creases and folds of your face when your frowned in dismay or disaproval of some of my actions, words or attitudes. ...know and trust that God is shapping me into ways I'm sure will please your heart.
(1:24 AM – 18/11/11)

I'm not sure where you find the strength to be as great as you are. I gage that it is super-human... maybe something borrowed along the lines of your own mother and father and those before them. I gage that this strength ... and has been passed on to you like it has now passed on to me.

I'm learning to be strong like you mom... (I'm trying)...

Mom I want to tell you that yesterday I cried tears of joy at the feeling of peace I felt you had when I left you that random voicemail, asking you how you were doing. I hope you believe when I say, I'll try to do better... I will be better, and call you more. I know that it is in your nature to worry, rightfully so, but please don't let these thoughts take too much space in your mind... you deserve more than what I sometimes give you. You deserve more than this.

I smell a promise being made in exercising who I am (and I'm still figuring out what that is)...

(3:04 AM - 18/11/11)


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Erykah Badu Lecture (RedBull)

Lecture: Erykah Badu (Madrid 2011) from Red Bull Music Academy on Vimeo.

In an open letter to God I wrote...



November 17th ... at 12:32am ... Overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings of how I got here. Overwhelmed by ... a lot of good things... fighting within myself my own insecurities in my navigation in this life... 22 years strong ...lol. I wrote these words.

 in the rawness of everything that was going through me... in Tears, Snot and ALL... (lol).......  I've never done this before. ... (I was debating whether or not I should post this up, or even share the context behind the creation of this post, but after discussing it with a friend, I decided to let go of these... or rather this anxiety or fear of releasing this prayer or raw thought into my blog.) ... I decided not to go over it and edit some of what I wrote. ... In sharing this open letter, I pray that someone gets something out of it.. if anything. ...lol. In sharing this I hope to somehow make a difference to someone who needed to see this. ............. I believe in the beauty that lies in sharing this raw... un-edited. ... typography of feelings ... thoughts.. emotion on this. .. if anything. I don't believe that I'm alone in this. ...I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.



...........


Dear God,

Thank you. ........ thank you for what happened in Geneva. I promise I will be better. I'm sorry ...with all this blessing, I do feel like like I've let you down. I haven't knelt down to thank you enough. I haven't put time for you as much as I should've ... and God I'm aware ... I'm sooo aware of everything you've done for me. 
I'm still wrapping my mind around what happened in Geneva. I'm still trying to make sense of it God.. and I know that you are all knowing ... and I trust that you already know that. but ... God help me find clarity in my purpose. I haven't felt so strong about my existence ever before until now... I am aware that you are working wonders within me... wonders whose depth I'm only now beginning to be cognizant of. 

Please don't be mad with me... I want to be bigger than me. 


(((..I gotta find peace of mind..)))
 I gotta find peace of mind lauryn hill by beeezee
(((I know it's possible...))) ..... guide me to where you want me to be. 

God I also know that I don't talk to you as much as I should, and I don't talk to my parents as much as I should... even if they are the most important things to me... I do have the tendency to try to handle and fix things by myself... like I have for a long time... but God today i'm praying that you allow me to be open... to let a little bit more people into my thoughts into me... allow me to realize and trust that other people can help me.

... I've been let down and disappointed with so many people...  

thank you for loving me despite myself. ... sometimes I fight myself.. thank you for caring... thank you for loving... thank you for incubating my space with love. With ... sooo much love. sooo many people who care about me. ...about my personal growth 
I want to understand my story and I want to tell it tactfully and honestly. .... I want to grow and teach within this discovery. .... Dear God allow me to let go of some of my anxiety ... some of my worries about what I say and what I do in exercising what is me. 
... Allow me to find my truth. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Michael Kiwanuka ... Tell me a Tale


Tell me a story that I believe... ...the trumpet part of this track reminds me of fela .. I like this guy and the vibe of his tracks. There's something kind of honest about how he signs his songs.. I appreciate it. 


Charter Magic


"I'm on a journey to a place I've never known... I'm on a journey to the land that has my soul"

life is a journey. (SOO cliché lol... nothing inspiring about that last sentence) lol... *shrug* ... but it is. ... I don't have anything constructive to say. Other than I really enjoy this dude... and his music.. his vibe and his art. ... #highfiveforCreativity :) 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Tell me a story...


I'm back. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the things I've experienced for the past month I was away in Europe. The learning that took place in every aspect of my life. The growth I experienced both intellectually as well as personally. ...I needed this. God knows I really needed this. 


Since I've been back I've been finding myself noting things around me that I've never noticed before. Like how people having loud conversations on the subway is normal.. I keep wanting to speak in french to people I see (i.e. the asian guy at the counter, the white guy who dropped his bag then picked it up before I got to tell him he dropped it) ...lol. I keep wanting to go on a random late-night bike ride like I did on my last night in Geneva. 



I keep wanting to have a strong coffee and have a petit pain au chocolat warmed up every morning to start off my day. I keep wanting to see the faces of the friends I made while I was away. I keep wanting to share... and most of all I keep wanting to listen, absorb and learn from them. There is a strong part of me that feels like this is just the beginning ... and at that I insert a colon and a closed parentheses.

: )


For the past little bit I've been tired.... so all I've been doing is sleeping. ... and sleeping some more. and my body is thanking me for it, I've put it through quite a lot for the past 2 months. 
....






Geneva Geneva... I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like everyone who I told about the purpose of my travels, everyone that knew about the struggles I was going through prior to arriving there is eager for them to hear about my travels. ... and I want to unload these ideas out of my consiousness. I want to tell them this story. I want to tell everyone that this journey was beyond anything I ever expected. I want to tell them that it changed my life.. but I'm not sure where to begin. lol ... if I start with either of these statements, it will require me to elaborate some more on them right away, but I'm trying to make sense of the details of what this means to me. 

If I don't know these details myself ... I can't share it. ... I want to tell a story that my parents will be proud of. ...and I think they are already smiling, just based off of what they trust happened. just based off of the bits I've shared with them about my experience throughout it, and since I've been back. 

Is it strange that I want to tell myself a story of what happened to this 22 year old in Geneva. ...because in all honesty that's what I want to do. I want to tell myself this story, because I'm still wrapping myself around the reality of it all. 

In my attempts to decipher the details of what I learned, Tonight I've began to write open letters to my parents & God...I've done so all in the name of the love and the blessings that they've given me... Open letters because I read one once and I thought the concept of it was cool lol.. plus I also think that there's a blessing in the rawness and vulnerability and truth in a prayer. (I may or may not post it up here, not sure.. lol)


I am Grateful for being aware of the breath and depth of my purpose while being Young, Gifted and Black.

I am Grateful for the love and support that I have surround and incubating me while I'm growing



StrangeFruit.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Speechless. No words. Just feeling. 



These human beings are beautiful, strong... Gifted & Black. 

Geneva is expensive. ...but beautiful.

Me & sun & body of water = :) 

Now that the fellowship is over. I need to unwravel some of this. I need to write. I have some much fuel to write more. ...To be more. Growth = <3

(Stay posted fam).
StrngFrt

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