Saturday, March 31, 2012

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Be Good

Gregory Porter - Be Good (Lion's Song) Official Video from pierre bennu on Vimeo.

There's a lot about this video, and this song that I can relate to. The lyrics... the visuals. Nice gem that I found on the interweb by Gregory Porter, while I'm curing this wisdom teeth infection/light fever. ... In other news I bought a gigantic sketch book today. Art needs to come out of me soon. ... pictures will be shared on this. soon. 

in due time. 

...In due time.

music makes the world go round.

There is something about music that is healing to me. It brings something to me.. a  random dance move, a memory, kind words, angry words... words unspoken but felt, thought of and never uttered by me. ... it brings me a certain peace of mind. It keeps me a little sane. For that I am forever thankful. In the buldge of chaos I've been navigating in this transitional period in my life, a friend of mine posted a simple podcast that (after a semi-emotional day) brought me this peace.

... I slept at 1 am and woke up at 4, tossing & turning from toothache (an infection I feel I may have) and traces and bits of heartache. I still think of him. I still miss him. .... thinking about me needing surgery for my mouth soon... not sure how I'm going to afford it. Trusting that God will come through (lol). 

It feels odd to be up at this time, where most people are asleep. ..Some awake and alive in another timezone.. others are grinding heavy at work or are getting ready to do so.

I am not dealing with this in a healthy way. I want to really bad, but it doesn't seem to be working. First it's my appetite, Now my sleep. ... This is not good for my spirit. I do not and refuse to resort to sleeping drugs. I'm trying tea. ... worse comes to worse I might try nyquil or benadryl (for my allergies). Pretty sure that half of my bottom left jaw is swollen right now. ... uugh.
ok. after I finish playing this mixtape, I'm sleeping... (I hope).


Monday, March 26, 2012

I will be loud & unapologetic about my purpose (x3)

I've been silent for a while. I've been on a writing hiatus in a while. Life is teaching me things. I've been learning a lot about people around me. I've been learning about myself a lot.. my imperfections ... most importantly I've been learning about my voice.

not just hearing it, but listening to it.

I have a sticky-note on the wall behind my laptop that says:

"I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose
I will be loud in my purpose
I will be loud in my purpose (...even if I don't quite know what it is yet)"

I wrote that March 18th, 2012.

If it's anything at all, I've been struggling with sharing myself with not only social media but people in general. I have a bad habit of always wanting to accommodate and please people around me sometimes even if it means I won't be happy. ... That may not necessarily seem like a bad habit, but it makes it the perfect pre-amble to being emotionally unhealthy. In caring so much about other people's happiness, a lot of emotion is invested... and when the logic of being that way is not reciprocated by the other person, there's a high level of sadness, exhaustion & frustration that happens on the other end. I'm realizing that more and more.. and I'm realizing that I need to be loud within myself and assert myself forward in my wants and needs out of life. Insodoing, maybe I'll be able to be more assertive out loud when I speak to others about myself and what I do.

There's something about speaking about myself in a "for sure" way that's always bothered me. Hence why I've always tended to be very vague about myself on this blogosphere. Nothing is certain... nothing is "for sure". ... so my logic has always been, I am not God. I cannot guarantee that in these wants I want and crave out of life will bring me happiness. Nor can I even sometimes even define what it is that I do. ... but I've realized the weight of words in the framing an idea or thought, will always propel a direction. ... and there's nothing wrong with an evolving definition. It's ok to embrace change.

It's ok to embrace pain... It's ok if the pain is gut-wrenching.. confusing.. It's ok to feel it all. Feel. Inhale it all ... and exist within this hurt. Exhale all that you are, and that you stand by... and just be.

To assert myself in my purpose in words and definitions (however frail my certainty of that definition may be). To know and trust and say out loud that you're good at something doesn't mean you're cocky.. lol. It can also mean you're aware of your voice. your listening to your gift and speaking of your blessing outloud in sharing that: THIS. is what you do.

and that's actually ok. ... (

I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose
& be unapologetic about my light. ... I will shine God's light in loving .. simply & honestly.

(ps. hair above is a loose bantu-knot out. on stretched hair... Wooot! the longest my hair's ever been! #boombap)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

is this still on..

mic check. ... is this still on.. oh. ok .. lol.

I need to write.

I need to let my fingertips speak in signs coded in key strokes and space bars.. what my mind has been fighting. What my mind has been too timid to verbalize. ...

I need to write to let you know.. I still have a pulse.

life has been a little more than interesting for the past little bit.

this is not a half-assed post.. but it is. lol. .. I have to finish this job application before I snooze. but.. I just wanted to say this.

I need to share things.

I want to keep sharing things on here. ... well maybe not here per say... but share things in words.. on the interweb. lol.

...that's all for now.

thank you for reading. (lol)