Monday, May 30, 2011


[First Meeting]
With butterfly fluttered heartbeats and the way your words dance across your lips and pop-locked my mind into a freeze so ill...
you said hi to me,
...words stood still into my conscious, and I held my breath in awe of you.
...I fumbled with a reply only loud enough for you to hear. ..."hi" .. :)

Next To Me (feat. Roy Hargrove) by Jack Kovacs

Disclaimer: ^ this didn't really happen, as poetically. lol... Somewhere in my 22yrs of life, I think I may have ran into my real-life prototype... but it was MUCH MUCH more awkward then poetically suggested. lol.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Ideas have momentum

Have you ever lost then found yourself in the mommentum of an idea...alone in the vastness of a big white room. Closing your eyes to see slain dreams flashback like the darken line of a flashing cursor...darkened and alone in the vastness of an empty white screen and flashing cursor... to remind you that you just might be crazy. Somewhere between watching the last two episodes of Oprah, and going to see Maya Angelou speak I found myself at the cusp of an idea. One that I jotted down several times over on posted notes on my desk as well as in my sketchbooks, blog and all ...prior to this weekend... but found itself to be more persistent after I listened to both of these women talk.

I am in awe of Oprah&Maya Angelou, and admire their tenacity to Be their most self. Lately I've been slow at actualizing this monumental idea that came into my conscious. lol... mostly because of the multi-layered and complexity yet simplicity of the question: "How does the African (Carribbean included) Diaspora wear itself". ... socially, physically, mentally... and how and why.

"To Be" is a concept that seems to be complex when you don't know where your home is... Or rather when you call several places your home but they deny any full claim to you... socially and legally (citizenship ect.)... because you wear your self 'othered' ... both by choice and by default. ...It's a strange kind of dance... where we're compromising traditions and values (willingly and forcefully) according to the different spaces we occupy. ... What's most peculiar about it I would say is that we consciously and unconsciously do this while it shapes our identities and our very own perception of ourselves. ...Strangely we do it to adapt... and 'blend' in and between dress codes and beauty standards... yet are labelled "visible minorities". (lol)..

Strange Fruit.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

note-to-self: read books

I forgot I loved to read. In the midst of my post-secondary miseducation I forgot that I loved to read. Last saturday, after waking up to a 3 hour nap I accidentally took, I watched a movie (Do the right thing), cooked a meal, then curled up under blankets and pillows and continued reading this book I started a few weeks ago. Rainning outside, filled belly, lightly lit room .... :)

No More feat. Marinda by MilesJones

In the midst of forcing to read ideas and theories by scholars, I forgot that there are stories by people... written in books, that are actually interesting. I forgot that it' s actually fun to loose myself in these stories and the imagined faces behind the characters and understand the logic of some actions that have no relevance to me. I just started this one, and I'm already thinking of looking for what my next book is going to be! :)

Rainy mornings are pregnant with untold stories... of lives lived and imagined... expecting. Coyed in books with mysterious covers, waiting to be read and fill your minds with ideas. I'm getting all poeticnshit cuz I really forgot how much I enjoyed reading (lol). There's nothing like having the right sort of background noise to contrast the mood of these ideas when they land on your conscious. ...gravy.

Yusef Lateef - Love Theme From 'Spartacus' by Sound-Awake

Other random discovery over the weekend, is the right brassiere makes a Huge difference. Sexy undergarments for your self sometimes actually matters... lol. .......(thatisall)

Thursday, May 12, 2011

note-to-self: "Have Less, Do more, Be more"

today I woke up feeling like crap. Not because my nose was stuffed and eyes bothered from the allergies/runny nose I was fighting off the night before but because a bit of the reality of my financial situation and social situation finally entered part of my consciousness. You see... I go through a lot of things in life using tunnel vision. I make the conscious decision to ignore a lot of things that happen to me socially. Case in point, I tunnel vision the fact that I have 'no game' as a female lol.. I tunnel vision the fact that there are a lot of people who bother me... I tunnel vision the fact that advertisements are telling me what I want. I tunnel vision the amount of money staring back at me in my bank account...I tunnel vision my fear of failure. ... I tunnel vision all of it, and (try to) do me, the best way I can. But this morning... well this morning there was no tunnel. As a matter of fact I could not even see the damn vision.

Say What feat. Shad K by MilesJones

Today I'm second guessing EVERYTHING. I don't know what I want out of life. There are so many things that I want out of life, out of relationships with people... out of my career-to-be... out of everything really.

Days like these ... are horrible. lol.
Days where my body and soul is craving a tight hug and someone to babble with and pinky swear school-yard promises... suck. Days where I am craving nothing more than to change my current circumstances leave me bitter, empty and drains the very depths of my spirit. Days like these remind me that you cannot hug a memory nor can it fill your bank account or at least fix society lol.

Jessie J - Big White Room DEMO by JessieJfans

I need to pray walk, read,... outside. tomorrow or something this is getting ridiculous.
. But it is crazy that me being able to write this down and complain about this day in itself is a privilege that I know a lot of people in the world wish they could say was their worse day, because they've seen and experienced WORST. So somehow in all this chaos, how can I not still give thanks for it. I need to find a way to strategically get out of this sort of depression... by creatively using the fact that I have less, to do more, and to be more. ....somehow.

Monday, May 9, 2011

less babbling

What inspires you? it's people. People's stories random, honest, raw and real stories inspire me. This week was full of happenings hence why I thought I should post something. When nothing is happening... nothing is posted lol. I checked out a series of different documentaries this week at the hotdocs festival in Toronto... and it got me thinking of the art of story-telling and the importance of it. When I say that, I mean the importance of voicing silenced voices. I found myself gravitating towards movies that involved people of colour lol. There were a number of documentaries that I checked out that dealt with race and race relations. ... which were directed by non-coloured people. Which I have nothing against, but I was bothered by it.

People of Colour, among many other things that we need to start doing, we really need to start documenting and voicing our stories. Nothing in the media represents me. ... I can't think of a single character in a sitcom or series that closely resembles my way of being, or thinking. And to me that in itself is problematic. ... and so I came out of last week with an itch to start a little something on the side. ...I won't reveal what it is yet, but I've already started talking to people about this idea, and knowing me, I am gonna get it done or at least discuss it with as many trustworthy family as I'm actualizing this idea. less babbling... more actualizing.

So in the midst of everything, I found myself with a question, that I will try to explore in conversations with people:

"how do you wear your self? ...and why?"

I'm going to try to ask a few people around me and see how they respond. Maybe document their responses and go from there. ....this should be interesting lol.