Thursday, May 12, 2011

note-to-self: "Have Less, Do more, Be more"

today I woke up feeling like crap. Not because my nose was stuffed and eyes bothered from the allergies/runny nose I was fighting off the night before but because a bit of the reality of my financial situation and social situation finally entered part of my consciousness. You see... I go through a lot of things in life using tunnel vision. I make the conscious decision to ignore a lot of things that happen to me socially. Case in point, I tunnel vision the fact that I have 'no game' as a female lol.. I tunnel vision the fact that there are a lot of people who bother me... I tunnel vision the fact that advertisements are telling me what I want. I tunnel vision the amount of money staring back at me in my bank account...I tunnel vision my fear of failure. ... I tunnel vision all of it, and (try to) do me, the best way I can. But this morning... well this morning there was no tunnel. As a matter of fact I could not even see the damn vision.

Say What feat. Shad K by MilesJones

Today I'm second guessing EVERYTHING. I don't know what I want out of life. There are so many things that I want out of life, out of relationships with people... out of my career-to-be... out of everything really.

Days like these ... are horrible. lol.
Days where my body and soul is craving a tight hug and someone to babble with and pinky swear school-yard promises... suck. Days where I am craving nothing more than to change my current circumstances leave me bitter, empty and drains the very depths of my spirit. Days like these remind me that you cannot hug a memory nor can it fill your bank account or at least fix society lol.

Jessie J - Big White Room DEMO by JessieJfans

I need to pray walk, read,... outside. tomorrow or something this is getting ridiculous.
. But it is crazy that me being able to write this down and complain about this day in itself is a privilege that I know a lot of people in the world wish they could say was their worse day, because they've seen and experienced WORST. So somehow in all this chaos, how can I not still give thanks for it. I need to find a way to strategically get out of this sort of depression... by creatively using the fact that I have less, to do more, and to be more. ....somehow.

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