I've relocated to wordpress

If anyone still checks this blog for new posts, needless to say I have given up on it lol..

I've relocated to: yaz-be.wordpress.com

.... trust me it's for the better. 

But for anyone who still every now and then would find themselves on this site and wonder where I am or any remotely warm genuine thoughts/concern about my whereabouts. Know that it was appreciated. I was obviously on some hard-core hiatus. Life happened. Then I said screw it, I loved this shit, it made me happy... grind it out. write till you drop baby yeaaaahh!!! or at least find cool shit online that make you happy and share it with the interweb *insert awkward guido fist-pum*... 

yeyeah! 

anyway, thank you if you still get these notifications.

Thank you to all my anonymous followers, random visitors, friends and mostly all randoms lol.. 

I'm back..

With love,

yazbe

if you must know

Well if you must know,

A good day for me starts with warm sheets... sunlight and soft music at waking
Enough peace of mind to reflect on my self, God.. and what the day will bring by the folding of my knees in a stretched prayer.

...

It is followed by good food...marinated in silence or in conversation.

If you must know...

A good day includes hearing stories from welcoming strangers and familiar faces... or from pages of books written by the gifted.

It also includes creativity in one form or another.

...

It involves wander in the form of walking or bike rides

It involves enough warmth to make my melanin glisten and enough breeze to cool a possible sweat from my brow, and a dance from my crown.

Throughout it all there is a mixture of (jazz, soul, acoustics, hip hop... kissing my earbuds)...music in mp3 format or just background noise.

A good day MUST include laughter. ... and that’s non-negotiable.

(...lol)

It must include peace and it must include warm company.

(how does it end?)

A good day ends with a snuggie. ...lol or something like it. 

....

It involves laughter maybe from watching old-reruns of favourite shows ... or streaming community, 30rock, The New Girl, How I met your mother, Vampire Diaries, Grey’s Anatomy, America’s Next Top Model...don't judge me lol... 

  ....it involves, laughing or crying upon hearing the story relating or not relating to the characters... but following the story... and understanding it. ... However deep.. however shallow.

I guess in truth it ends how it started. In reflection.. In warmth... in silence or in conversation.

Some days I wish it would end with a forehead kiss from him. Some days I don’t think about it... other days, my body chooses to close my eyes instead of my thoughts.., or vice-versa... and so somehow I ... sleep.

Some days are better than others.

sundays.

Willow trees, Harbourfront, bluest skyed sundays

Last sunday I spent some time to myself. It was a sunny day that started with a prayer or two.. some silence... some tears... some writing and LOTS of walking. It was needed. I decided to take my dslr along for my stroll..

There's always something about sitting by a large body of water... howerver calm.. however busy.. howerver quiet. There's something about it that brings me peace. It makes me feel reflective. It centers me. ... I hope one day when I get old, I am privileged enough to have a home by a body of water... or at least find a way to bottle the effects of what it does to my spirit and carry that with me all days through my old age. ... lol. I think about this often.

Willow ... weep for me. 

Willow trees make me think of old age. lol. old memories.. and Pocahontas (real talk lol). I think it's because of how it hangs. ...like sagging limbs.. sagging skin..in a hunchback-like stance. it reminds me of old mothers.. 

it reminds me of wisdom acquired in due time. .... (strange)

Sometimes I forget that Toronto actually has an airport downtown. ...

My favourite thing about the picture above and the one below is the reflection of the surroundings from the monument. ... I'm not sure why. I find it so interesting ... and beautiful! lol.

Old jeans.

I can't remember the last time I rollerbladed. lol..

yes. you are seeing a mini sand area. You can pretend to be on a beach. lol... and "tan" if you're into that.

I often think that people that live in the city are not aware or fully taking in, what's available in their city. I mean I can say a little bit of the same about Calgary (until I moved away, I didn't really appreciate it as much as I think I should've) . This city (Toronto) is spoiled when it comes to scenery like this being accessible downtown.. in terms of having "arts & culture" hubs throughout it (although, they are very much under a lot of thread due to crumbling funding structures of the non-profit sector) ... it is spoiled. .. It is ugly .. it's beautiful .. not sure if I'm over it. lol.. maybe I am.. maybe not. I'm still thankful I'm here though.

One day I'll find home. I don't think it's here ... yet.

.. (Oh!) ...the Joys of Underemployment

Everyone once in a while... a mean track finds me. It plays rough with my earbuds and my spidey sense start tingling... and I get happy in my head bop. YES. ladies and gentlemen ...  This. THIS! one is one of those.
It's a mean one guys.
Warning... if you listen to this with good headphones and good base.. you might just vomit. (YES! that's how dope this is. lol) .....

... Everything's been feeling a little off. I've been overwhelmingly busy for the past little bit.. (surprise surprise). Applying places, getting accepted to a school in Europe and then realizing that the financial cost of going may not be worth it. ... hustling.. grinding.. learning about film, videos and loving it... getting sad about it.. and somehow trusting. .. up until today, I haven't had real time to exhale, sleep in.. until now.
I think I'm going to go for a walk.. then to a film today... we'll see...

... Oh the joys of underemployment! ... 

I recently read an article on Clutch Mag about INFJ personality types called "The Angry Black Introvert" ... Thought it was interesting. I found myself relating A lot if not ENTIRELY to the feelings expressed in the article. Towards the end of the article, there was a quote that rang especially true:

" So not only should others “watch out” for us; we should be wary of ourselves. If you’re like me, biting your tongue–sometimes for years–so that you feel liked, feel loved, or are seen as easygoing and amiable rather bitter and resentful, start taking small steps toward voicing your discontent with a situation in the moment you experiencing it. Start being upfront with your family and friends about how their comment or action made you feel. Start resolving, rather than resenting.It will not be easy. And it won't happen overnight. In fact you may spend the rest of your life, working against your personality type to make significant progress. But it's necessary work, and through it, you'll find yourself feeling a more genuine serenity than the kind you've been pretending to have"

I've been biting my tongue and holding some of my feelings in (in trying to understand them).. but I'm a private person and I only share things with a selected few people. On occasion I've been known to write it out in blog form, poetry and or even journal-type of entries on notebooks and excessive sticky-notes on the walls of my room. But I haven't done any of that since my last post. 

So maybe this blog post is feelings, frustrations bubbling over. ... maybe not. ...either way. I need to approach this in a more balance way for the sake of my mental and physical health. I've also been feeling home sick. I miss my mom... and I've been wanting to be there for my brother's graduation. But I can't afford the flight to go nor can I really afford to take the unpaid leave of absence from work to do so. Student loan interests are accumulating out of my neglect to resolve an agreement with them sooner.

I am angry not at anyone in particular. ...but angry at the system. 

I just want to be happy in the company of good spirited and warmhearted people... laugh. Speak of joys and hurt and heal... speak of stories that matter and listen to dope music and good food. (maybe salmon lol).

... dammit.

ok. I'm leaving my home now.
my spirit is due for some quiet wandering.
A prayer is due... to thank God for this though. To thank him for the struggle. To thank him for what is to come... because he knows how this... my... our story ends. I'm a character among several in this narrative. I have to trust this.

My Valentine

Writing it out.

they told me that writing it out can be healing,

but words don't know this dance.

they only know the dance between fingertips and keys. ... backspaces in too many spacebars.

they don't know this dance.

They don't know the dance between infatuation and love and perplexity that comes with breathing life in exhaling who we are, and inhaling peace of mind with someone in sync. They don't know how to hold hands and kiss sweetly in places, cheeks and foreheads without speaking. They don't know how to create butterflies inside heart ventricles and blood streams and convert them into timid smiles and akward laughters.

They only know how to hold fingertips and keys and let go and move on to the next one. ..for another key stoke. They only know how to move in repetitive monotonous motion.

they don't have the attention span that feelings do.

Writing is not feeling.

It is writing.

writing is only feeling in memory.

...memory is feeling.

writing is not healing.

maybe writing is memory's distant cousin in how they interact in proximity of feelings... but fall apart when feelings are gone.

...

if words knew the dance and cadences felt in the act of falling in love, then maybe they would hold their own weight in the memories I have of them in conversations I recall of him and I

but in writing this, ... the heaviness I feel is lopsided and it buldges at the sides.

It's awkward.

it is as ugly as it is beautiful

it is as salty as it is bitter

... and maybe as it should.

after all.

writing is not healing.

writing is writing.

..it is not feeling.

newsboy caps and stretched afros

I look suspicious.. lol.. for no reason. Disclaimer, I look like I'm smiling but at the time of this picture I was struggling semi-heavily with a wisdom tooth infection lol.. half my mouth is swollen. 

I haven't posted an updated pic of my hair, and its many stories, thought I'd share a pic or two.. that spoke short stories and such. I tend to play a lot with the front of my hair the most. I like updos for work, and when it rains or it's cold out.

Bouffon in the front ...

away from my face ...

....

pinned in the front, in random ways ... or not..

...Massive braid in the front... (which apparently according to a friend is my signature 'look')

or a quiet favorite... a newsboy cap! :)

(I would've smiled in this pic, but then... the mouth problems lol)... I haven't seen a lot of women rock the newsboy cap in a LONG time. ... I have a big head. big hair or not.. finding a hat has always been issue for me lol. When I was a teenager, when Pharell's frontin' video came out... 

I went on a hardcore hunt for a 'trucker hat'. I couldn't find a single store in Calgary that had a trucker hat that fit me. Until I went to leChateau. I discovered that that store was the only store that had hats that fit me lol,... and found an orange trucker hat!  ... why was I so hardcore on finding a trucker hat?...why you ask? ... well aside from the fact that Pharell is ridiculously goodlooking & awesome (i think my schoolgirl crush started when I saw this video), at 13ish I wanted to be the girl in the video lol. ...plain and simple. So I bought it. AND Rocked the hell out of it. (..I think lol).

... I've come a long way, from wanting to be like the girl on tv. lol. thankfully. I blame my upbringing and nerdy introverted ways. *high five*.

But hands up if you support newsboy cap hats making a comeback

*hands up in the aayyuurr*

:)

Sunshine

   

Ran into this video via my friend Amy. Found it interesting. 

Be Good

Gregory Porter - Be Good (Lion's Song) Official Video from pierre bennu on Vimeo.

There's a lot about this video, and this song that I can relate to. The lyrics... the visuals. Nice gem that I found on the interweb by Gregory Porter, while I'm curing this wisdom teeth infection/light fever. ... In other news I bought a gigantic sketch book today. Art needs to come out of me soon. ... pictures will be shared on this. soon. 

in due time. 

...In due time.

music makes the world go round.

There is something about music that is healing to me. It brings something to me.. a  random dance move, a memory, kind words, angry words... words unspoken but felt, thought of and never uttered by me. ... it brings me a certain peace of mind. It keeps me a little sane. For that I am forever thankful. In the buldge of chaos I've been navigating in this transitional period in my life, a friend of mine posted a simple podcast that (after a semi-emotional day) brought me this peace.

... I slept at 1 am and woke up at 4, tossing & turning from toothache (an infection I feel I may have) and traces and bits of heartache. I still think of him. I still miss him. .... thinking about me needing surgery for my mouth soon... not sure how I'm going to afford it. Trusting that God will come through (lol). 

It feels odd to be up at this time, where most people are asleep. ..Some awake and alive in another timezone.. others are grinding heavy at work or are getting ready to do so.

I am not dealing with this in a healthy way. I want to really bad, but it doesn't seem to be working. First it's my appetite, Now my sleep. ... This is not good for my spirit. I do not and refuse to resort to sleeping drugs. I'm trying tea. ... worse comes to worse I might try nyquil or benadryl (for my allergies). Pretty sure that half of my bottom left jaw is swollen right now. ... uugh.

ok. after I finish playing this mixtape, I'm sleeping... (I hope).

okbye.

I will be loud & unapologetic about my purpose (x3)

I've been silent for a while. I've been on a writing hiatus in a while. Life is teaching me things. I've been learning a lot about people around me. I've been learning about myself a lot.. my imperfections ... most importantly I've been learning about my voice.

not just hearing it, but listening to it.

I have a sticky-note on the wall behind my laptop that says:

"I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose (...even if I don't quite know what it is yet)"

I wrote that March 18th, 2012.

If it's anything at all, I've been struggling with sharing myself with not only social media but people in general. I have a bad habit of always wanting to accommodate and please people around me sometimes even if it means I won't be happy. ... That may not necessarily seem like a bad habit, but it makes it the perfect pre-amble to being emotionally unhealthy. In caring so much about other people's happiness, a lot of emotion is invested... and when the logic of being that way is not reciprocated by the other person, there's a high level of sadness, exhaustion & frustration that happens on the other end. I'm realizing that more and more.. and I'm realizing that I need to be loud within myself and assert myself forward in my wants and needs out of life. Insodoing, maybe I'll be able to be more assertive out loud when I speak to others about myself and what I do.

There's something about speaking about myself in a "for sure" way that's always bothered me. Hence why I've always tended to be very vague about myself on this blogosphere. Nothing is certain... nothing is "for sure". ... so my logic has always been, I am not God. I cannot guarantee that in these wants I want and crave out of life will bring me happiness. Nor can I even sometimes even define what it is that I do. ... but I've realized the weight of words in the framing an idea or thought, will always propel a direction. ... and there's nothing wrong with an evolving definition. It's ok to embrace change.

It's ok to embrace pain... It's ok if the pain is gut-wrenching.. confusing.. It's ok to feel it all. Feel. Inhale it all ... and exist within this hurt. Exhale all that you are, and that you stand by... and just be.

To assert myself in my purpose in words and definitions (however frail my certainty of that definition may be). To know and trust and say out loud that you're good at something doesn't mean you're cocky.. lol. It can also mean you're aware of your voice. your listening to your gift and speaking of your blessing outloud in sharing that: THIS. is what you do.

and that's actually ok. ... (..lol..)

I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose
& be unapologetic about my light. ... I will shine God's light in loving .. simply & honestly.

(ps. hair above is a loose bantu-knot out. on stretched hair... Wooot! the longest my hair's ever been! #boombap)

is this still on..

mic check. ... is this still on.. oh. ok .. lol.

umm...........
I need to write.

I need to let my fingertips speak in signs coded in key strokes and space bars.. what my mind has been fighting. What my mind has been too timid to verbalize. ...

I need to write to let you know.. I still have a pulse.

life has been a little more than interesting for the past little bit.
....

this is not a half-assed post.. but it is. lol. .. I have to finish this job application before I snooze. but.. I just wanted to say this.

I need to share things.

I want to keep sharing things on here. ... well maybe not here per say... but share things in words.. on the interweb. lol.

...that's all for now.

thank you for reading. (lol)

Time has been good to me... (so far)

Time. ... It's been a while since I've fully shared a solid piece up on this joint. lol.. so since I've now welcomed a beautiful T3i into my life, thought I'd share a few pictures of what I've been up to... so mostly just food. Family. I'd try to be deep and say something abstract like the clock signifies the monotony of my 9to5... (half made that up just now lol)  and the rest is family and food. 2 of my greatest loves. lol

Time has been good to me............