Saturday, May 5, 2012

.. (Oh!) ...the Joys of Underemployment

Everyone once in a while... a mean track finds me. It plays rough with my earbuds and my spidey sense start tingling... and I get happy in my head bop. YES. ladies and gentlemen ...  This. THIS! one is one of those.
It's a mean one guys.
Warning... if you listen to this with good headphones and good base.. you might just vomit. (YES! that's how dope this is. lol) .....

... Everything's been feeling a little off. I've been overwhelmingly busy for the past little bit.. (surprise surprise). Applying places, getting accepted to a school in Europe and then realizing that the financial cost of going may not be worth it. ... hustling.. grinding.. learning about film, videos and loving it... getting sad about it.. and somehow trusting. .. up until today, I haven't had real time to exhale, sleep in.. until now.
I think I'm going to go for a walk.. then to a film today... we'll see...

... Oh the joys of underemployment! ... 

I recently read an article on Clutch Mag about INFJ personality types called "The Angry Black Introvert" ... Thought it was interesting. I found myself relating A lot if not ENTIRELY to the feelings expressed in the article. Towards the end of the article, there was a quote that rang especially true:

" So not only should others “watch out” for us; we should be wary of ourselves. If you’re like me, biting your tongue–sometimes for years–so that you feel liked, feel loved, or are seen as easygoing and amiable rather bitter and resentful, start taking small steps toward voicing your discontent with a situation in the moment you experiencing it. Start being upfront with your family and friends about how their comment or action made you feel. Start resolving, rather than resenting.It will not be easy. And it won't happen overnight. In fact you may spend the rest of your life, working against your personality type to make significant progress. But it's necessary work, and through it, you'll find yourself feeling a more genuine serenity than the kind you've been pretending to have"

I've been biting my tongue and holding some of my feelings in (in trying to understand them).. but I'm a private person and I only share things with a selected few people. On occasion I've been known to write it out in blog form, poetry and or even journal-type of entries on notebooks and excessive sticky-notes on the walls of my room. But I haven't done any of that since my last post. 
So maybe this blog post is feelings, frustrations bubbling over. ... maybe not. ...either way. I need to approach this in a more balance way for the sake of my mental and physical health. I've also been feeling home sick. I miss my mom... and I've been wanting to be there for my brother's graduation. But I can't afford the flight to go nor can I really afford to take the unpaid leave of absence from work to do so. Student loan interests are accumulating out of my neglect to resolve an agreement with them sooner.

I am angry not at anyone in particular. ...but angry at the system. 
I just want to be happy in the company of good spirited and warmhearted people... laugh. Speak of joys and hurt and heal... speak of stories that matter and listen to dope music and good food. (maybe salmon lol).

... dammit.

ok. I'm leaving my home now.
my spirit is due for some quiet wandering.
A prayer is due... to thank God for this though. To thank him for the struggle. To thank him for what is to come... because he knows how this... my... our story ends. I'm a character among several in this narrative. I have to trust this.

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