Looking for balance

..... ket.... YUP, j'me sens super morbide... (lol)
3 more weeks...
Me thinking of the fact that, that's how long I have until I'm done Uni is making me feel like the picture above. It also makes me want to play NERD's In Search Of album [bobby James to be exact] (feelin' all emo and whatnot)) .... except minus the drugs and the alcohol, and the hardcoreness of it all ...lol.



Hocus Pocus Feat. Oxmo Puccino - Clip "Equilibre" by hocuspocus

Equilibre = Balance... I think that's what I need right now.... that and some sort of income...
Un ami m'a suggeré de devenir poète après ma graduation... moi, j'ai ri... I dunno yo... lol...
I need balance.

(strange Fruit)

"No Name"

I don't know how to explain my tendency to isolate myself into my room and not shower or brush my teeth, for days on end, and other countless all-nighters and get my shit done but I do. For the past little while I've been on my grind. I recognize that it wasn't easy to force my third eye to see and understand what was being presented to me, whether it be through my readings in my classes, small initiatives, and my volunteering, but somehow I find a way to go through it all alive. Oftentimes or at least for the past little while, I've really been questioning myself, and how I'm going to piece together parts of what I love into a single thing or picture that will make me happy. ... and I think I get it now. ... not totally but I think I'm starting to make sense of it.



I don't think I should strive for a way to fit everything that I love into one project... or one job as much as I should focus on having faith in God, and have faith in myself and the gifts that I've been given.... and just BE. I suspect that my tendency to want to pile everything into one thing, and knowing how to do that comes from me being part of this "now generation", and wanting to know everything now. .... I need to keep calm & make it work lol...



I was thinking about it the other day, when I first moved into this city I used to be afraid of wasting my hellos and my nods and smiles to strangers or people that I met (who then ignored me on the streets afterwards)... but I realized that even if it's not being reciprocated, I'm being myself, and I should just roll with it... lol

I was thinking... maybe I should apply this same focus... this same drive, fire, intense dedication to not only my work, but also all other parts of me... I want my state of mind to start wearing this drive so that it could be sifted into all other areas of myself... not just my work. I don't want to find a name for what this idea or this "drive" is, because I feel it'll narrow it to that word. (I have slight problem with words, and how we name things... it can feel like that thing that's named is subject to and limited the meaning of that word, and once it challenges that word, then people look at it funny lol) ... So I won't name this idea but I will summon this claim into existence through my penmanship in this post and fold into a prayer...

I think may have a problem with feeling limited...

lol
(Strange Fruit)

Once upon a time... transitioning (pt.2)

Sooo, I love my hair... yes granted it has its awkward days where it doesn't feel well. There are days when it's acting like a 14 year old teenager with raging hormones, but this whole 'transitioning thing' is exactly that. It's growing it's acting out, ragging hormones, unrully, stubborn, acne-like-awkward and all that kind of madness. But it's growing... Sure right now it looks a bit awkward, but I've managed to always find a way to make it work regardless. Even if the folds of some of its coils are poking out a few places... and it absorbs conditionner like a teenager would to a bag of chips... that's what makes it happy. So I please it, and somehow in return, I'm being taught.




I'm being taught to listen. To pay attention to how it's reacting to everything I give it... Through patience, we're both learning discipline. Eventually this 'transitioning thing' will end... and it'll be one huge set of hair on my head, and by then I think my strands will understand what it means to do what I say. .... (at least I hope so lol)....

Today I blow-dried my hair... and it was huge. It looked like chaos, war and roses. I loved the mess. The strange fruit of it all is that I found a sense of piece of mind about it all. ... I felt content. Not sure if it's a one-day-only feeling, but i'm feeling it more and more each day. I am blessed ladies and gents.

Old jeans

In grade 8, I used a pair of neon pink short zippers I saw in the corner of my aunts house and decided to sew it to a pair of jeans I had. I'm not sure why but when I saw the zippers my immediate thought and idea was that it would look great on the knees and also in the back pocket. Prior to this moment, I remember toying with the idea of creating clothes that were unique and different, but had never done such. So that day, I took a pair of jeans I had where one leg had already a small rip and I ripped it up a little bit more and tried to replicate the same rip on the other leg. I took a needle and clear thread and started sewing. Mind you I was never really taught how to sew. The only sewing skills was this sort of crochet/sewing thing that was always mandatory in girl-schools in Haiti. I had taught myself how to fix holes in clothes that had holes to get more wear out of some clothing items in my home.



[the making of Jay Electronica's Act II video... I smell a Spring/Summer gem!]


Anyway so I sewed these jeans, and I remember feeling so excited about them, thought they looked like the best jeans EVER. But I also remember that a part of me was scared of what the other kids would think of me and my clothes. But somehow I completely disregarded it, because I was so excited about those jeans so I wore them to school. I noticed people starring and it made me feel a slightly nervous, but I didn't care. I made those jeans and I thought they were dashit. lol... Even if when I bent down to pick up my books my knees were being jigsawed by the zipper teeth, I rocked the hell out of them with a smile and with a strut.

Street Etiquette-Sartorial Sounds from LightUp Film on Vimeo.

Years have gone by since these jeans... and a few 'fashion-seasons' ago, I noticed that zippers were being put at the knees of some skinny jeans when I was looking at this H&M catalogue, and I remembered those jeans. I remembered my love of fashion, and sewing, and creating and choosing pieces that felt good to me and it made me smile. Now I'm sitting here trying to make sense of this now. I never had much of an appetite to always 'be in' or to replicate everything I see on runways, but I always found it interesting. I'm trying to make sense of this need I had to put these neon zippers to the jeans, and this joy I had after I created it, and wore it. I'm trying to make sense of my creativity... and this creative ... fire... I feel I have in me.



I'm in the process of figuring out how to channel it properly... I think there's a reason why I found myself teaching myself piano in the basement of my aunts house. (even though I only know how to play 4 songs out of memory, 2 of which I sort of made up lol). I love expressing myself in what I wear, and how I wear myself. For the last little while, I noticed that I don't have much of an appetite to go into stores and shop, for one, I don't have money and on the other hand I haven't been very impressed with retail stores. I'm pretty sure this may be my cue to hit up value village or salvation army soon, where I usually find my favourite pieces.

If I find these jeans, and if they still fit, I will wear them still.. either that or cut them up until I'm happy with them. lol

Oprah Presents: Maya Angelou's story [Master Class]

I just finished watching Maya Angelou's featured episode in Operah's Master's class. To say that this woman is amazing would be one of the biggest understatement ever.

And among the biggest lessons I took from that was:

Who you really are:

"If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody; if a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or Malcolm X; if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born—it means so can you. And so you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize, 'Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.' That's one thing I'm learning." — Dr. Maya Angelou

On Becoming who you are meant to be:

"What I think it really means is: I'm a teacher. I am a teacher. I teach all the time, as you do and as all of you do—whether we know it or not, whether we take responsibility for it or not. I hold nothing back because I want to see that light go off. I like to see the children say, 'I never thought of that before.' And I think, 'I've got them!'" — Dr. Maya Angelou

....

For the past little while it's been a lot of back to back madness... so running into this video was amazingly necessary. and a Blessing.

Suppose I am going to be somebody, then the greatness of my being must reflect the light in me and not me. So when I hear Maya Angelou say that she prays for humility, It makes me feel uplifted and not alone in that idea. Suppose that I am as great as this light that I recognize in so many people, this light that I recognize in truth and I recognize in God, then I have to continue to breathe in this life and take everything in.... and master it.

There's nothing like the feeling you get after paying off your credit card, rent, phone bill at 2 in the morning. For a starving student like myself, I guess it just puts things in perspective and even though I've been trying not to think about money, and answering my "what's next question", I realized I really need figure at least some part of this out. ... By this I mean how I'm going to finance myself, my dream, whatever it may be, ... and do so myself. Lately I've been too sick and too broke to do a few things I planned to do, so I somehow found myself in pyjamas at 2pm, accidently stumbling on the Oprah Winfrey Network, at the start of Diane Sawyer's Master Class. ..

Outasight - Never say never by outasight-music
[***On Repeat***]

And among the many things she said in the show the idea that really stayed with me was as follows:

"My dad, I still think, had the most beautiful, simple checklist for what you should do in life: Do something you really love that you would do it anyway. Do it in the most adventurous place you can do it. And make sure that it helps other people. And if you feel there's a genuine need for it, and that through that need you can help other people, you're home." — Diane Sawyer

Sing your song

Bob McFerin (first dude to have an acapella song reach #1 on the billboard chart, found his name and this quote on a random blog) said this about the use of Twitter & Facebook:

“I always marvel that people are willing to share intimate secrets with people they barely even know. I keep my opinions to myself, they’re mine. I don’t feel like I need to share everything with other people. That’s one thing about technology–we almost feel like we’re obligated to talk about ourselves. Why? I don’t understand. [It's almost as though] if you’re not talking about yourself, you’re not being honest…I just don’t want to because I don’t think it’s important. People can be thinking about other things a lot more important than me.”

This is the exact reason why I don't post as much anymore lol.... Soo tempted to Tumblr... I'm going to give you a test run and see what happens.

Sing Your Song - Miles Bonny by kronika

... I'm trying to be careful what i say. Not like I will say anything horrible on this, at least I don't think I will, or I am.. but I think we must always be careful what we say. Whether it be online, offline, or in person. words are important... and what comes out of your mouth matters.

Last Donut Of The Night by tdawgman

On another note LASERS coming out in 2 days son'!!! ...