Monday, March 26, 2012

I will be loud & unapologetic about my purpose (x3)

I've been silent for a while. I've been on a writing hiatus in a while. Life is teaching me things. I've been learning a lot about people around me. I've been learning about myself a lot.. my imperfections ... most importantly I've been learning about my voice.

not just hearing it, but listening to it.

I have a sticky-note on the wall behind my laptop that says:

"I will be loud in my purpose

I will be loud in my purpose
I will be loud in my purpose
I will be loud in my purpose (...even if I don't quite know what it is yet)"

I wrote that March 18th, 2012.

If it's anything at all, I've been struggling with sharing myself with not only social media but people in general. I have a bad habit of always wanting to accommodate and please people around me sometimes even if it means I won't be happy. ... That may not necessarily seem like a bad habit, but it makes it the perfect pre-amble to being emotionally unhealthy. In caring so much about other people's happiness, a lot of emotion is invested... and when the logic of being that way is not reciprocated by the other person, there's a high level of sadness, exhaustion & frustration that happens on the other end. I'm realizing that more and more.. and I'm realizing that I need to be loud within myself and assert myself forward in my wants and needs out of life. Insodoing, maybe I'll be able to be more assertive out loud when I speak to others about myself and what I do.

There's something about speaking about myself in a "for sure" way that's always bothered me. Hence why I've always tended to be very vague about myself on this blogosphere. Nothing is certain... nothing is "for sure". ... so my logic has always been, I am not God. I cannot guarantee that in these wants I want and crave out of life will bring me happiness. Nor can I even sometimes even define what it is that I do. ... but I've realized the weight of words in the framing an idea or thought, will always propel a direction. ... and there's nothing wrong with an evolving definition. It's ok to embrace change.

It's ok to embrace pain... It's ok if the pain is gut-wrenching.. confusing.. It's ok to feel it all. Feel. Inhale it all ... and exist within this hurt. Exhale all that you are, and that you stand by... and just be.

To assert myself in my purpose in words and definitions (however frail my certainty of that definition may be). To know and trust and say out loud that you're good at something doesn't mean you're cocky.. lol. It can also mean you're aware of your voice. your listening to your gift and speaking of your blessing outloud in sharing that: THIS. is what you do.

and that's actually ok. ... (

I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose... I will be loud in my purpose
& be unapologetic about my light. ... I will shine God's light in loving .. simply & honestly.

(ps. hair above is a loose bantu-knot out. on stretched hair... Wooot! the longest my hair's ever been! #boombap)

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