Mumbled Soliloquy

She called him brother
he called her sister
though they were not related
to acknowledge the only proverbial bloodline rooted in the motherland
I heard them call each other royalty.

She loved him like a soulclap and spoke using muted hand movements as extended (((parentheses))).

Almost as if to cup her (heart) in truth and let some words seep through her fingers like warm sand

....Spoke louder in writing than in person

expressions hidden in the spaces between hyphens – , slashes/ and [square brackets]

she's as complex as her mumbled soliloquies and as simple as dawn.

...

 truth is.... she has grown accustomed to beats, because of her fear of lullabies.

.....So she CLAPS, snaps and head bobs to beats... because loving him like a soulclap is the closest thing she's ever known to love.

(strange ...
and a first. ...I'm trying folks lol.. bear with me).

Unfinished Poems

I think I have an acute version of attention deficit disorder
because I start poems and I can never seem to find an adequate way to end them.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to certain things or if it's because I have a hard time to focus long enough to resume the end of an idea. :-/

I need help.

...seriously. For the next little bit I'm going to try to combine different drafts of pieces I've been working on. Not sure how to copywright these things in case if it's gets jacked on the inter-web. But I'll publish it nonetheless..

Stay posted

old lady & book & ttc

The story below was meant to be publish a while back, but for some reason I never got around to it. Appologies.

"yesterday on the train ride home from work, I saw an old woman whose 'race' I couldn't quite decipher find a seat accross from me at a subway stop that shall remain un-named. lol... Her face was folded and patterned in wrinkles that held a million words... she had in her hands, a few bags, some plastic some cloth. Either way I couldn't quite make-out the contents that filled them.

She glanced around for what seemed like a second before she eagerly reached out in one of the bags a book that read something along the lines of "The book of Catholic jokes"... She opened the book and I could see her eyes quickly skim through the first couple of pages and she turned one page after the other (probably skimming the prefaces and intros)... and I saw the faint prelude of what seemed like a half-cracked smirk when she landed on the first page where the book began. ... It was cool to watch that moment.

.... of course she didn't know I was staring at her.. but I was. lol... I saw her eyes dance accross what I assumed to be words, phrases and ideas and then I saw her smile. It seemed like every joke she read was funnier to her than the next one. Almost like she could relate or was hugging the memory of her youth, the memory of something past and the possible irony that may have found itself hidden in between the sentences she found.

... her smile would get bigger as she read on. At one point I noticed that she must've ran into a joke that was super funny because she was smiling really widely then looked up to see if anyone was looking at her ...lol. (it was adorable).. we exchanged glances, as her eyes skimmed around her surroundings then she returned to her book.

It was the most heartwarming sight I'd ever seen on the TTC in a while. ... oooooorrr Maybe I was reading too much into it.... LOL."

^^

(Strange Fruit)
-

Haiti Diaries || Week2... debrief.

(My sister at home, w/ a blanket #deathtomosquitos lol)


It's been a week since I've been back from Haiti. Forgive my lack of posts for the past little bit. I have a lot that I wrote while I was away, that I meant to post daily, but I rarely had access to internet while I was away. So I'm going to be periodically posting some of my scribbles on here just as a way to debrief on some of the ideas that were running through my mind while I was away. I'm also juggling a lot of things personally (moving, job hunting, preparations for another chapter ect..)

Nneka featuring Nas - Heartbeat (Remix) by Hypetrak

" Prior to coming to Haiti I think I must’ve fallen prey to the rhetoric of the strength and defiance of the Haitian story. When I say Haitian story I mean the story of the 1804 revolution, and it’s legacy on Haiti, but I never really addressed or even remotely really recognize the real deep impact of colonialism on Haiti prior to the legendary uprising. ...Everything, from the name of some areas in downtown Port-au-Prince to the names of some streets throughout the country have french names. Names of places and spots that you can find in France as well. ... it's crazy.

French culture is embedded into Haitian Culture and Identity. I’m slowly realizing this more and more. In the formulation of the elite class, the more you can emulate "frenchness", (it also helps if you're lighter skin...[post-colonialism rhetoric] smh) the more opportunities were presented to you.

Right now, I’m wondering: is there a point in trying to separate Haitian identity with French identity and latin-american identity, and African identity. Because right now they all seem to speak of my story. From music on the radio, to our diction, to how some Haitians style themselves with castro-like mustaches, and eat pastries by the deli and ensure to have their café au lait in the morning... From the texture of our paté (patty) to the way family remembers always know natural alternatives to sicknesses and diseases (African roots)... it’s a creole. It’s a mix... I think it's starting to make sense to me now. " - Week 2 (thoughts).

Hypetrak Premiere: Mr. J. Medeiros - Old Man Perez by Hypetrak

This whole trip allowed me to make more sense of who I am, and why I am the way I am. It helped me make sense of why when I was growing up I felt awkward not getting the references that some of my carribbean (jamaica, trini, antiguan ect...) friends and acquaintances had. For example, I never heard of or fully understood dancehall culture growing up until grade 11 (Canada) or felt like it was at all ever part of my history... Also a LOT of times when I heard my Island people speak Patwa, I didn't (sometimes still don't) understand what they're saying, accents can be STRONG lol... Yet as someone who everyone knew was carribbean it was automatically assumed that I got it, and that I got down exactly like my jamaican, trini, antiguan brothers & sisters, (dancehall culture and all). So I remember trying to keep up... I remember a couple of instances where I faked being into it, because I wanted to be friends with the black kids lol... they looked so cool, and spoke in such a cool way lol... smh. dang. (oh the compromises I made!)

There's also the conversations I've had with people who are Caribbean that told me that Haiti doesn't count as being part of the Caribbean... I think the source of this reasoning stems probably from the fact that we don't speak English, we are stigmatized by poverty and politics unlike our other Caribbean counterparts... and let's not forget the basic fact that we have completely DIFFERENT stories... This sort of ostracism irks me a little.

(strange Fruit)

Haiti Diaries || Day3...

Day 3

My mom arrived, and the 5 of us greeted her with warm hugs. I hadn’t seen her in 3 years. Moments prior to seeing her, all of us had been skimming through old pictures of her and the rest of the family on a dusty family album. I never realized how much of hipster my mom was back in her day... Her sense of style throughout her 20s and 30s. I never realized heard or seen stories of her youth, nor had I ever had a visual of the kind of young woman she was before she became my mother. It was cool to discover and let my mind fill in the blanks through dusting of some images.

We ate... we drank. We roamed around the house in the laziness brought by the warm weather, drank coca-cola out of class bottles and not cans... and joked around while playing big2 and Cheat while the older fam sat on the porch outside with the sound of wind and leaves to set the mood...discussing politics and other things. Later on when we had super... some of that conversation trickled down at the dinner table. Things pertaining to the existing elitism and shadeism surrounding politics in Haiti... the corruption of the Haitian Government and police as well as the devaluation of Haitian workers/ education since the heavy flood of NGOs were part of the conversation. It’s crazy how things changed.

Come As You Are by Yuna Music


Then later my brother, sister, cousin and I were sent my uncle to come and visit them in petion-ville. So this was one of the first time on the streets of port-au-prince since the drive to and from the airport. I wish I had my camera in my hands as we drove. Everything was crazy. There were so many places that were familiar... There were floods of people on the street. Drivers drove with NO RULES and pedestrians crossed the streets and pavement carefully and slyly... I saw the commissariat (the police station) that was close to the marché we used to get our food from back in the day and it was destroyed... and only had the blue and white brick walls that survived. The unpaved roads made each time we drove a little bumpier than the time before. I think I remember only seeing 1 traffic light... I also remember seeing A LOT of young people. ... a lot of people my age in the street.

(strange fruit) ..

Haiti Diaries || Day2...echoes of memories

(view from my window!)

Day 2.
So we landed. Went through the chaos of the airport and went through smoothly through customs. The airport seemed different and more tiresome than I remember. Then again the last time I was at this airport I was 10 and I’m pretty sure I didn’t have to wait around the only carrier-belt that held luggage for the entire airport. There were a lot of men dressed in all brown and red baseball hats eager to take newcomer’s suitcases and guide them to taxis and or the person waiting for them outside. And so when my dad, my dad’s friend (call him L) came they were talking their hustle all the way until we got into a cab and put all our suitcases. By the end of it, they expected a tip, which we gave them and then we made our way to my house.

On the drive to my house, there were echoes of memories that slowly started to spring back to me as we passed some houses, some corners... there were also a lot of places that were not recognizable AT ALL even after my dad told me what it used to be. It was strange to see... I still couldn’t believe I was here. ... Finally we reached home. I knew it was home because the same black gate and brick walls topped with barbed wire was still there... It looked similar, except smaller than I remembered. We went inside. Sooo many memories. The couches where we used to watch cartoons afterschool, our halls and corners within the house we used to roam. ... The boys’ room and the girls’ room... my parent’s room the washrooms.. The balcony.. The library/office.. Everything was there as I remembered.. but somewhat different. After deliberating with my dad I realized that it was natural for these places to have looked somewhat changed because they had been un-kept. Everything looked smaller, because I got older. Everything used to look bigger because I was smaller. This is a reality that I’m realizing that I’m going to have to face and accept.

Sidebar. I showered using a bucket of water and an old foldger’s coffee container this morning...lol.. Yup, I went old school on that. It did the job. Lol :) ... I’m also slowly going through withdraws. I keep looking at my blackberry anticipating a flickering red light... thinking I’ll be getting some new emails/bbm/textmsgs/news/FB/Twitter updates... knowing that I willingly turned off the data of my phone to not have a crazy-ass bill waiting for me the moment the plane took off...when I get back. ... Did I mention it’s really suffocating hot. I had some trouble sleeping... tossed and turned, but still managed to sleep well, and woke up naturally to the sound of the rooster and the wind of the leaves of trees in my backyard. At 6 am!!!!... w/ ZERO alarm clock folks!! That’s how mornings become good mornings.. and someone like me, can actually become a morning person! lol


Last night there was a blackout and I was too tired to write about what I was seeing/understanding and taking in. But I know and understand fully and well the blessing that my story holds. Not too far from my house a few hours ago I noticed a few camps, several tents...

My sister , kid-brother and lil cousin arrived. They’re sleeping... and this heat and seeing them sleep makes me wanna crash and sleep. Lol.. so I’ll resume this in a little bit.

Peace.
(strange fruit) – 1:57pm || 28/06/2011

Haiti Diaries || Day1...in-between-Clouds

Day1.
It’s crazy how perspective changes things.
to sit at a window seat at a flight overseas I wonder..
is this the view that God has when he sees us running around like crazy ants, in this strangely beautiful mess of a world. From up here, this sky-view almost seems to belittle the tunnel vision that we often find ourselves in when walking on dry land. ... I’m floating between clouds and I have the opportunity to breathe in this ability... To see this.... To breathe this. To be here.

Cruise ships look like reverse shooting stars, and clouds look like a better version of dust. And everything looks like a painting. From here I don’t know where the sea and the sky greet each other. In the blue of their hues, maybe they exchange their own stories... and traces of these conversation tickle down in blurred form of fluffed clouds. ...I’m sure they too have stories to tell. ...perhaps some of their conversation will go along like “you know we’re very alike you and I. ... I’ve seen humans do strange things from here, and the ozone of my heartbeat is breaking everyday at the sight I see, and the cries I hear... and maybe land will just sigh in agreement, or even shudder or tremble from heartbreak”...

Maybe God eavesdrops in this conversation every now and then. And has posted notes somewhere in his memory. ... I dunno lol... But being here I can’t help but wonder if this is what God sees when people look up and ask for help.
I’ll never know.

- 1:11pm 27/06/2011pm
(strange Fruit)