In an open letter to God I wrote...

November 17th ... at 12:32am ... Overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings of how I got here. Overwhelmed by ... a lot of good things... fighting within myself my own insecurities in my navigation in this life... 22 years strong ...lol. I wrote these words.

 in the rawness of everything that was going through me... in Tears, Snot and ALL... (lol).......  I've never done this before. ... (I was debating whether or not I should post this up, or even share the context behind the creation of this post, but after discussing it with a friend, I decided to let go of these... or rather this anxiety or fear of releasing this prayer or raw thought into my blog.) ... I decided not to go over it and edit some of what I wrote. ... In sharing this open letter, I pray that someone gets something out of it.. if anything. ...lol. In sharing this I hope to somehow make a difference to someone who needed to see this. ............. I believe in the beauty that lies in sharing this raw... un-edited. ... typography of feelings ... thoughts.. emotion on this. .. if anything. I don't believe that I'm alone in this. ...I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

...........

Dear God,

Thank you. ........ thank you for what happened in Geneva. I promise I will be better. I'm sorry ...with all this blessing, I do feel like like I've let you down. I haven't knelt down to thank you enough. I haven't put time for you as much as I should've ... and God I'm aware ... I'm sooo aware of everything you've done for me. 

I'm still wrapping my mind around what happened in Geneva. I'm still trying to make sense of it God.. and I know that you are all knowing ... and I trust that you already know that. but ... God help me find clarity in my purpose. I haven't felt so strong about my existence ever before until now... I am aware that you are working wonders within me... wonders whose depth I'm only now beginning to be cognizant of. 

Please don't be mad with me... I want to be bigger than me. 

(((..I gotta find peace of mind..)))
 I gotta find peace of mind lauryn hill by beeezee
(((I know it's possible...))) ..... guide me to where you want me to be. 

God I also know that I don't talk to you as much as I should, and I don't talk to my parents as much as I should... even if they are the most important things to me... I do have the tendency to try to handle and fix things by myself... like I have for a long time... but God today i'm praying that you allow me to be open... to let a little bit more people into my thoughts into me... allow me to realize and trust that other people can help me.

... I've been let down and disappointed with so many people...  

thank you for loving me despite myself. ... sometimes I fight myself.. thank you for caring... thank you for loving... thank you for incubating my space with love. With ... sooo much love. sooo many people who care about me. ...about my personal growth 
I want to understand my story and I want to tell it tactfully and honestly. .... I want to grow and teach within this discovery. .... Dear God allow me to let go of some of my anxiety ... some of my worries about what I say and what I do in exercising what is me. 

... Allow me to find my truth. 

Michael Kiwanuka ... Tell me a Tale

Tell me a story that I believe... ...the trumpet part of this track reminds me of fela .. I like this guy and the vibe of his tracks. There's something kind of honest about how he signs his songs.. I appreciate it. 

Charter Magic

"I'm on a journey to a place I've never known... I'm on a journey to the land that has my soul"

life is a journey. (SOO cliché lol... nothing inspiring about that last sentence) lol... *shrug* ... but it is. ... I don't have anything constructive to say. Other than I really enjoy this dude... and his music.. his vibe and his art. ... #highfiveforCreativity :) 

Tell me a story...

I'm back. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the things I've experienced for the past month I was away in Europe. The learning that took place in every aspect of my life. The growth I experienced both intellectually as well as personally. ...I needed this. God knows I really needed this. 

 Tell Me A Tale by MichaelKiwanuka 

Since I've been back I've been finding myself noting things around me that I've never noticed before. Like how people having loud conversations on the subway is normal.. I keep wanting to speak in french to people I see (i.e. the asian guy at the counter, the white guy who dropped his bag then picked it up before I got to tell him he dropped it) ...lol. I keep wanting to go on a random late-night bike ride like I did on my last night in Geneva. 

I keep wanting to have a strong coffee and have a petit pain au chocolat warmed up every morning to start off my day. I keep wanting to see the faces of the friends I made while I was away. I keep wanting to share... and most of all I keep wanting to listen, absorb and learn from them. There is a strong part of me that feels like this is just the beginning ... and at that I insert a colon and a closed parentheses.

: )

For the past little bit I've been tired.... so all I've been doing is sleeping. ... and sleeping some more. and my body is thanking me for it, I've put it through quite a lot for the past 2 months. 

....

Geneva Geneva... I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like everyone who I told about the purpose of my travels, everyone that knew about the struggles I was going through prior to arriving there is eager for them to hear about my travels. ... and I want to unload these ideas out of my consiousness. I want to tell them this story. I want to tell everyone that this journey was beyond anything I ever expected. I want to tell them that it changed my life.. but I'm not sure where to begin. lol ... if I start with either of these statements, it will require me to elaborate some more on them right away, but I'm trying to make sense of the details of what this means to me. 

If I don't know these details myself ... I can't share it. ... I want to tell a story that my parents will be proud of. ...and I think they are already smiling, just based off of what they trust happened. just based off of the bits I've shared with them about my experience throughout it, and since I've been back. 

Is it strange that I want to tell myself a story of what happened to this 22 year old in Geneva. ...because in all honesty that's what I want to do. I want to tell myself this story, because I'm still wrapping myself around the reality of it all. 

In my attempts to decipher the details of what I learned, Tonight I've began to write open letters to my parents & God...I've done so all in the name of the love and the blessings that they've given me... Open letters because I read one once and I thought the concept of it was cool lol.. plus I also think that there's a blessing in the rawness and vulnerability and truth in a prayer. (I may or may not post it up here, not sure.. lol)

I am Grateful for being aware of the breath and depth of my purpose while being Young, Gifted and Black.

I am Grateful for the love and support that I have surround and incubating me while I'm growing. 

StrangeFruit.

Speechless. No words. Just feeling. 

These human beings are beautiful, strong... Gifted & Black. 

Geneva is expensive. ...but beautiful.

Me & sun & body of water = :) 

Now that the fellowship is over. I need to unwravel some of this. I need to write. I have some much fuel to write more. ...To be more. Growth = <3

(Stay posted fam).

StrngFrt

Première Semaine

DAY2
So this journey begins. I've been granted the opportunity to take part of this fellowship program with the UN. Today is was day 2, I can't believe that we're already going on day 3. My days are heavily packed with crash-course about Human Rights courses taught by UN specialists. I got my UN pass, mad books. We were told that the first week of the journey will entail learning the basics UN-Human Rights /International Law 101. Readings are hectic. There is almost no time to rest. ... to enjoy the scenery, that is all so new to me.

There's not much to say but that. ... Trying to find the time to eat. sleep. Keep my family and friends updated as much as I can... aaannnd blog. ..lol. It's happening... slowly... somehow.

 I'm practicing my french :) .... I'm the unofficial translator in the group. I'm realizing that I may have an ear for languages because I'm finding myself translating certain words from English to french, Spanish, Portuguese.

DAY3
If I could find a way to put together what went down today... you would get why at 1:22 am I'm smiling from ear-to-ear and I'm in awe of ...this. Today was a learning experience. I took in for the first time the dynamics of Treaty bodies, International Law and states. .... to break that down, I took in the international instruments that are specific to the United Nations and learned how states can be legally bound or softly tied to these laws. Today I understood the detailed technicality behind the reason why sometimes when the UN suggest states to do certain things they don't necessarily implement it. I knew this before... but never like this. Since I was told by one of the coordinators of the fellowship program about the 1st week is meant to be introductory, learning the basic structure is necessary to know in any circumstance.

I think what's more exciting about this part of it is that I tasted the possibility of hearing about specific ways in which people of African descent can mobilize themselves and pressure their government to be tied to these conventions and treaties, most if not at least some they are signatories of. For anyone reading this who may be wondering, NO I don't have a background in International Relations, (though I took 1 class during my undergrad at York U) and NO I don't have a background in Law (though I took a class at York U, then dropped it half way through it lol)... But I do recognize and accept that with the work that I've done I am an activist in my own right.  ... I will admit that there were /(still are) moments where I'm dozing off, in the middle of some of these sessions... I can't deny the lessons that I'm taking in. I can't deny the space that I'm in and everything that it encompasses.

UN-related learning aside, the people that I'm around have an energy to them that I can't put into words. Their struggle and activism in their community ... and obvious frustration and exhaustion is visible in their tones even if I don't speak Portuguese or spanish. It's an expression and vibe that is all to familiar to me, and some people that I know in my community as well as my own home. Today I found myself eating, laughing, joking, celebrating a birthday, and singing bob marley anthems outloud from the bus ride, train ride and walk from the Brazilian restaurant to the hostel where we're all staying. ... then somewhere in-between I found myself finding abstract bars of Tupac &Biggie tracks and reciting the lines to these songs I heard vaguely with the fellow from the UK and the US. ...lol. ....(how did I get here?).
(1:48am 20/10/11)

...
Ever so grateful.

"I am on my way.."

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I'd be lying if I said that I knew everything and that I was 100 percent confident that this opportunity will make a huge difference in the communities which I claim to be a part of. I'd by fooling myself if I didn't admit Outloud that I have been struggling with accepting this opportunity. Truth is for the past little bit I've been struggling with accepting where the momentum of my choices have landed me. I've been struggling with accepting the fact that I had a role in landing myself... there. For those of you that know me know that I have recently been granted the opportunity to have a fellowship opportunity with the United Nations in honor of this year being the "year of People of African Descent".

I am now only days away from leaving Toronto and go to Geneva Switzerland where I will have a chance to voice stories and experiences and knowledge to UN officials and hopefully make a difference in this world.

 OneDaySoon(Sampler) by Ian Kamau

The only thing the fire in my bones can allow me to testify aloud is that there is a reason for my choices and purpose in the position I found myself in. The only thing I'm sure of is this gut feeling that things will fall together as God sees fit whether that's aligned with what I have in my mind.

...
(((((((( ......... 10hrs later, Took a Flight from Toronto to Geneva, found my way to my hostel.....))))))))

[7:30pm - Geneva] "I just woke up from a nap. I can't believe I'm here. I need to get something to eat, but I'm not sure what's open. Thankfully me, being the nerd that I am, I've packed a couple of granola bars in my suitcase.... My battery is low (#backstreetboys) gotta go.. ... (lol).... I have no sense of time. I guess that's what it means to be jet-lagged? ... I can't believe I made it here to this city... to THIS side of the world. The view I saw from the mountains as the plane landed was beautiful! It reminded me of Haiti... the mountains and what looked like the countryside reminded me of home... minus the snow, minus the infrastructure... minus the entire culture lol ... maybe I just have a thing for mountains ... (shrug)...is it crazy that as I was trying to sleep, I actually started to have lines and specific ideas that I was going to insert in my presentation? ... :) ... I'd say more, but I can't my battery is on 40% ... and I still need some life from it for tomorrow until I find a plug converter. ...somewhere somehow... 

I can't believe a few hours away, I was on my way.... and now I'm here. ........ (aaaahhhhh!!!) .... and the support and love, I've been getting from my tweets (@YazzyTaughtMe), my Facebook and BBM updates, ... to say that I am Blessed would be the biggest uncerstatement of the year! ...."

.... Dear God,I'm here. ....now what? Let's Get it. :)

StrnFrt.