note-to-self: "Have Less, Do more, Be more"

today I woke up feeling like crap. Not because my nose was stuffed and eyes bothered from the allergies/runny nose I was fighting off the night before but because a bit of the reality of my financial situation and social situation finally entered part of my consciousness. You see... I go through a lot of things in life using tunnel vision. I make the conscious decision to ignore a lot of things that happen to me socially. Case in point, I tunnel vision the fact that I have 'no game' as a female lol.. I tunnel vision the fact that there are a lot of people who bother me... I tunnel vision the fact that advertisements are telling me what I want. I tunnel vision the amount of money staring back at me in my bank account...I tunnel vision my fear of failure. ... I tunnel vision all of it, and (try to) do me, the best way I can. But this morning... well this morning there was no tunnel. As a matter of fact I could not even see the damn vision.


Say What feat. Shad K by MilesJones

Today I'm second guessing EVERYTHING. I don't know what I want out of life. There are so many things that I want out of life, out of relationships with people... out of my career-to-be... out of everything really.

Days like these ... are horrible. lol.
Days where my body and soul is craving a tight hug and someone to babble with and pinky swear school-yard promises... suck. Days where I am craving nothing more than to change my current circumstances leave me bitter, empty and drains the very depths of my spirit. Days like these remind me that you cannot hug a memory nor can it fill your bank account or at least fix society lol.

Jessie J - Big White Room DEMO by JessieJfans

I need to pray walk, read,... outside. tomorrow or something this is getting ridiculous.
. But it is crazy that me being able to write this down and complain about this day in itself is a privilege that I know a lot of people in the world wish they could say was their worse day, because they've seen and experienced WORST. So somehow in all this chaos, how can I not still give thanks for it. I need to find a way to strategically get out of this sort of depression... by creatively using the fact that I have less, to do more, and to be more. ....somehow.

less babbling

What inspires you? ...me it's people. People's stories random, honest, raw and real stories inspire me. This week was full of happenings hence why I thought I should post something. When nothing is happening... nothing is posted lol. I checked out a series of different documentaries this week at the hotdocs festival in Toronto... and it got me thinking of the art of story-telling and the importance of it. When I say that, I mean the importance of voicing silenced voices. I found myself gravitating towards movies that involved people of colour lol. There were a number of documentaries that I checked out that dealt with race and race relations. ... which were directed by non-coloured people. Which I have nothing against, but I was bothered by it.



People of Colour, among many other things that we need to start doing, we really need to start documenting and voicing our stories. Nothing in the media represents me. ... I can't think of a single character in a sitcom or series that closely resembles my way of being, or thinking. And to me that in itself is problematic. ... and so I came out of last week with an itch to start a little something on the side. ...I won't reveal what it is yet, but I've already started talking to people about this idea, and knowing me, I am gonna get it done or at least discuss it with as many trustworthy family as I'm actualizing this idea. less babbling... more actualizing.



So in the midst of everything, I found myself with a question, that I will try to explore in conversations with people:

"how do you wear your self? ...and why?"

I'm going to try to ask a few people around me and see how they respond. Maybe document their responses and go from there. ....this should be interesting lol.

StrangeFruit.

p'tite soeur

[Random epiphany: I have as many girly shoes as I have sneakers... My friend lists are 50% men, 50% women...lol. I realized this a few days ago. lol... I think it's sort of cool. This could mean that I'm either growing up or that I've reached some sort of balance.... either way I'm rolling it out.]

The other day, I managed to write something solid. I was inspired after listening to a spoken word piece by liza gara on Atmosphere's mixtape: "change of atmosphere"... :) ... (this song just does something to me)... Considering the fact that I've been feeling sort of home-sick for the past little bit, it's been nice to have my little sister around to talk to... walk around the city and be cute lol.


(in honour of my little sister coming to visit me, I had to post up this gem ^^)

Since I'm sort of waiting for life to kick-in full gear... I was thinking I should take the time to practice what I like. Writing and sketching and blogging... I can only write when I'm inspired... so I'll be looking for inspiration and be up in this more often.

I think in the midst of my hustle to finish school, I grew accustomed to early mornings. I wouldn't push it and say that I am now officially a morning person, but there's something really cool about being able to wake up early stretch, workout, meditate, pray, think, write... when no one else is up yet... give your spirit breakfast... let go of unwanted things in your mind, and feed your mind with good thoughts. ... I've been noticing that I feel more self-aware and my body feels good for the whole day... lol. So that's sorta cool.

A Conversation With: Asiyami Gold from Tamarcus Brown on Vimeo.

oh... and random love shout to anyone reading this... or the random souls around the world who care enough to bookmark/favourite/share/follow my strange fruit .... &read my ideas lol...(I see you)... Be a blessing to someone today/tonight :)

(strange fruit)

Rest in Peace

SHAD "I'll Never Understand" (feat. Bernadette Kab) by marrriones

The killers
You’ve invaded my nights
Singing your haunting lullaby
Drowning other voices
Choking
Suffocating
Numbing
Sending me to sleep

You’ve awakened me many mornings
Like an unexpected alarm
Shattering my dreams
Confusing
Terrorizing
Traumatizing
I’ve talked to you in tears and anger
Spat on you in rage
Whispered to you in sorrow
Tied you in chains
Thrown you in jail

I’ve pulled you out
Asked you many questions
Knowing there would be no answers...

I’ll never understand how flesh being torn apart feels
Or how after all this suffering a heart heals
On the rich green fields where they killed old and young
Cold and numb, under the light of a golden sun
It still stuns, tell me what possesses man
To, in anger, raise his hand?
I’ll never understand...


I tied you in chains
Again and again, round and round
Until the chains, in my dizziness
bound me to you
you and I becoming one!
Bound by the chains of hate
I knew then the choices to make...

I untied the chains
Letting go
Of those who converged on my dad
beating
pounding
leaving him dead
I untied the chains
Letting go
Of those who propelled the grenade
Scattering my brother’s brains
I untied the chains
Letting go
Of those who knifed my sister’s throat
Leaving her begging for a better death

I untied the chains
Painfully
Purposefully
Knowing the one who said to do it
Seventy times seven
Totally understands the depth of my pain...

I’ll never understand how people can go on and live
The miracle of finding the strength to forgive
To resurrect peace, to close up wounds so deep
they pierce souls beneath heart beats
To be a willful slave to a loving God’s commands
The key to a freedom that I’ll never understand.

.... Rest in Peace Orphee. ...

People like me

normally rainy days tend to bring me into a mindset for writting and reflecting.. But before I slept the other night, I went to bed with the full intend of gallavanting the streets of toronto and going to value village and see if I can cop some gems... so naturally when I woke up to the sound of the rain, I crashed back into my bed, and didn't wake up till noon.
..........

I wish someone wrote a poem for the socially awkward black girl
the alone most of the time but never lonely black girl
the 95% loner and 99% content with self black girl
or the funny but awkward black girl who's learning to love herself
the one who hasn't felt the anger and bitterness towards men..... (..not yet lol).... just some mild frustrations with life's timing sometimes lol

I wish there was a poem for her.

I wish someone would write a poem telling the world that they have stories too.
Ordinary stories that may lack glitter, but are honest. I wish someone would write one so I can be inspired and tell the world or someone, something about myself. that poem will serve as a prototype and reference point to remind myself that I'm not crazy for being comfortable with socializing once every blue moon. That I'm not crazy for being true to myself by remaining a private person... that I'm not crazy for having the values that I do, or sing and rap in the shower to my own beats like I do lol...

I wish a poem like that could be written to remind me everyday that I'm not crazy. To remind me that it's ok to dream, it's ok to just be. it's ok to be broke and exist within that. That it's ok to exist within the awkward part of normalcy...

if there were such a poem I would probably save it on my desktop and remind myself in the solitude of my blank walls and computer screen that somewhere in my lifestyle, there's someone just like you that exists somewhere in the world, wishing they weren't alone in their choices or in their way of thinking... or simply wishing they too weren't alone in this idea of being that kind of black girl.

... I would love to hear a poem and a story about that black girl... and maybe from that black girl.


(strngfrt)

Ready to Live

Somehow for the past 2 1/2 weeks I found myself floating in some sort of wave of happenings, some of which stemmed from my hard grind, and other waves of back-to-back blessings. I'm not sure if I've truly accepted the reality of where I'm at right now.... The only mental state that I've been on since I handed in the last essay of my undergrad is that "school's out for summer" #AliceCooper lol... and I'm excited to not have to force myself to read ideas about narrow-minded philosophers or force a billion essays out of my third eye... I'm ready to live. Simple. I'm ready to be able to actually read for fun again... ready to work somewhere that I genuinely care about, whether that comes now or later...

ready to live - part 1 from adam on Vimeo.

truthfully I am afraid... but I'm ready for this process. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself that I'll probablly be living worst than a student for a bit, until I pay off my student loans... and I've been praying... so I think I should be alright... I've been replaying this short part of a conversation I was having with my sister in my mind, and I remember myself telling her and being utterly convinced that "I can do anything" ... and that "I would hire me". Up until this conversation I had never thought about the idea that "I can do anything"... let alone proclaim it as truth through words and sounds. ... lol... Crazy thing is that I genuinely still feel that to be true about myself and my potential in this world. I am made up of greatness that I often think I don't deserve... but all that Greatness is all God's light, none of it is mine really lol... so, I owe it to God to be great.



Despite the fears, despite it all... I owe to much, and I know to much to let it rest. ... I'm ready to live. Blessed beyond believe. Dumbfounded at this life that I've been given to live and share with a few people.

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve" - Anonymous

(strange fruit)

LeBeat & LaCréole

Super MIA ... My neglect is due to my heavy grind. ... when I'm not dropping blog spots (<<...#SeeWhatIDidThere.. lol) I'm on Tumblr ...

Strange Fruit = LeBeat & LaCréole



(it's almost over!! Blog spots will be dropping soon!!)