Today was a rough one to say the least. I woke up dazed, confused, and most of all lost. I paid my cell phone, credit card bill and rent today, then looked at my balance on my bank account... sighed heavily, and had the urge to play some "Lost?" by Coldplay, and I realized it got deleted when I was forced to replace my iphone (on my 4th one now since december, ... I swear I have the worse of luck with these things).
So I just sat there, trying to figure everything out. Oh not to mention I found out the other day that I'm only working 1 shift for the whole week next week. :( ... AAANND I haven't gone grocery shopping pretty much since I finished school in April. And I'm squeezing the life out of what I have left. cooking sparingly lol.. and trying to preoccupy myself... away from the thought of what's in my kitchen cupboard.
I wanted to write this earlier, at the moment it was happening... but it was really nice out, and I just felt stuck and annoyed at the fact that I was inside the house when it was so nice out. So I've been outside, walking around campus, then later I went on a walk with a friend to check out the Toronto Jazz Festival, then walk around town.
When I walked around. I felt the urge to jot something down about my state of mind and here's what I wrote:
Clouded, Can't see clearly
Do you remember the time...? (I thought about Michael Jackson for a split second writing that line)
I can't remember the last time I felt Sure about life
Maybe it was when I was a kid
Today I feel blue... dark blue not cuz of my melanin... but because of my cloudiness.
I dunno... I could've sworn 2 seconds ago I knew where I was going. Or maybe I managed to convince myself that I was ok.
Too many issues, too much noise, It's too loud.
I can't hear me. Or maybe I do and only focusing on life's noise and not my own. They say it's all about perception... to find happiness, and I mean TRUE happiness and joy is about perception. But How do you alter perception. Because I'm trying to alter mine.
... A moment ago I stopped and thought that if what I really care about are small things, then I need to find them. I need I need to make it a purpose to look and find them.
Today I feel blue or maybe it's not the colour that I'm looking for. Because I just looked up and I stand in awe of the clarity of this blue sky. It's sunny, the sun is in my face, but I'm not beaming like its shinning counterpart.
I'm frustrated at my inaction. I'm trying to find perspective. I'm trying to hear me. To find me. My voice is stifled, it's chocked up in ambiguous feelings it's quiet and its fighting within my core to just ... BE. But my body and my inaction renders it handicap.
Clouded... I can't see clearly. (02/07/2010)