Last few days have been all over the place.
But today. was the day.
"Every day is like a blank canvas
Carving my initials in the planet like I brand it
Hand picked to live this life we take for granted
Like a child with an upright bass, we can’t stand it
Smiling through the trouble we face, tryna manage
My way without pumping my brakes and staying stagnant
Cause I can sit on my ass or just imagine
The madness I did on my path and paint the canvas"
>> Blu - The Roots - The Day - How I got Over <<
Funny enough I remember singing: "today's gonna be the day, gonna be the day", a few days before this. The "this" that I'm referring to is to bear my soul to a group of strangers. To allow life and breath to penetrate the words that I've always kept to myself, to my notebook, to God, and to a rare selected few. To not just write what's in my heart and to swallow the drips of what God's creative juices have put on my soul to just write. ...today I did it. I went beyond the pages. and spoke these words. Spoke them with as much honesty and conviction that was in my heart.
Today I faced one of my fears. I let a group of strangers into a little bit of my convoluted brain. Today I became the shinning. and they actually liked it.
and best of all... I'm ok!! lol
I didn't die, or vomit, fumble, or cry, or shake too too much.
and I did it.
I can't believe how awesome everyone was. I can't believe the awesomeness of the band, and the feel of the music and the gravy they made. I can't believe the love and their beautiful faces!!...I can't believe I even went as far as to asking them to play a mellow background beat while I spoke my peace. ...but I remember enjoying the combination as I went along and just.... vibed out to it.
[woke up to my friend comparing my performance kinda like a floetry piece]
( .... I smiled. and shook my head. lol.. some people are just too nice.)
they said that my piece was beautiful, they gave me another round of applause, and I smiled as hard as I possibly could, and showed them how blessed they've made me feel for simply appreciating and welcoming what I had spoken. ... what had simply started off as just words.
I went in with the one friend who was pushing me to just go for it... and that's it. I did not know or even recognize a single person in that room. I did this one for me, with the intent to challenge myself, and with the attempt to let the world into my thoughts. To maybe inspire someone random in the crowd.
I remember praying hard before going to bed, and being inspired from the conversation, and my reading. I remember the kind words of my friends, the smile I could feel they all had on their faces when I told them I decided to actually step and do it. I remember feeling blessed.
I remember all these things... and I hope I won't forget.
I've been smiling all day. ... walking down the street alone, and just smiling to myself, and then catching myself, and then stopping lol.
I think in my brain's periphery, it's the beginning of something epic. Not to say that I'm going to be doing this more and more... (but I know now that it's A LOT MORE PROBABLE now though) but like I've been saying 2010 is greateness in the making. I think my brain was on this goal, since I found this necklace when I was at Topshop in NY (a month ago). It was a silver, zipper necklace that strategically stopped half way through zipping, and coincidently looked like the letter "Y". Somehow, I found it. I remember being really drawn to it. I ended up buying it. And at that moment making the conscious decision to stop holding everything back. To stop stalling, on greatness...lol.
God's made me with too much love for me to just keep it to my notebook...
In simple words. This moment in time, has reminded me that " this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"
...let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.